how do you know?
how do you know?
I'm not sure whether this is the right place for this question, but... How do you know?
Like, I would 100% be a woman if I could choose. I also always play a female character in games. When I see a girl I feel a strong sexual attraction, but I also feel jealous of her.
But, I'm honestly not sure if I am not cisgendered. I feel like I missed the boat. I also don't know if I am sure enough. Is this impostor syndrome? How do I know it's not just sexual attraction? Or me being unhappy with the role men have in this world? Or me being depressed otherwise? It all seems like a big tangled mess.
Thanks a lot for all the comments. I made an appointment with my GP next week and hope that he can refer me to a therapist. All the best to you all <3
I would 100% be a woman if I could choose
Well, that’s a pretty good indication right there
How do I know it's not just sexual attraction?
Cis people generally don’t experience the desire to transition when they experience attraction
Or me being unhappy with the role men have in this world? Or me being depressed otherwise?
This can still be true if you are trans. It sounds to me like the best possible thing would be for you to connect with a therapist, preferably one with experience in gender affirming care. That would go a long way towards untangling the mess, although I know it isn’t accessible to everyone depending on your situation.
34Yeah, I think I have to commit to finding a good therapist. Seeking care is not something I was brought up with, but it does seem like the right path.
9
Often, people who ask this question already know the answer, deep down. In those cases, the issue isn't so much that they don't know the answer, but rather that they're afraid of the consequences of accepting that answer.
And to me, it sounds like maybe you do know the answer...
22This was a big break through point for me. It was never a question of if I was a girl but rather if I was strong enough to handle being exposed as such. Once I understood my fear it was only a matter of courage. Now I'm still not perfect but I'm much more genuine now than I've ever been before.
By the way OP, I started transitioning at 36. It's never too late.
13
I would 100% be a woman if I could choose
you can choose.
so, you 100% are a woman
problem solved by logic
:3
16I also always play a female character in games.
Mood. I'd pick woman over (bulky) man every time, even if it was a disadvantage somehow.
Sorry, no constructive thoughts here.
13Wasn't there a strenght penalty in D&D or something? Totally worth it though.
6I don't recall that being a thing in the versions I played (2e and 3e).
The Fallout games typically have -1str +1end for women. Which, given it's a point buy system, is essentially a non-difference.
I feel like there were other crpgs in the '90s that similarly did strength for charisma (yikes) but I can't think of any specific examples off the top of my head.
5
There's no one easy way that works for everyone to be sure. You have to find your own answer. Being trans isn't an externally measurable truth, it's something only you can ever know. I knew after I transitioned and then briefly detransitioned. The 2 months I spent off hormones was almost 6 years ago. I've never once regretted retransitioning. I didn't know for sure, I took 2 months off hormones and using my deadname, and it was never a question for me again. The pain I felt every time I heard that name told me everything I needed to know. But for me thats what it took to be sure. Self doubt lingered for me even after starting HRT and changing my name and pronouns.
But thats only me, and everyone has their own unique experiences of self-acceptance. You have to introspect. Open yourself to the possibility that you're not cisgender, and ask yourself what it is you really want to be, who you really want to be to yourself and to everyone else. Try using different pronouns. Try going by a different name. Dress differently, do things you want to do but have always felt like you couldn't. Play with your expression and presentation. Do things that make you feel great, and things that make you feel great about yourself.
8Experimentation does sound like a good next step (in addition to finding a therapist). I think I was too internally blocked to even consider experimenting with these things.
6
I came to this from my pursuit of the self. I was neglected and abused as a child and came into adulthood with very little sense of self. When I found and cultivated my sense of self, I persistently found that being myself in private was being a woman. I can't tell you who you are, but seek yourself. Grow yourself, explore your ego. The answer is in there.
8Relatable, I also had minimal sense of self, but I think due to being on the spectrum. It's an ongoing process to develop who I am, to form an actual sense of identity instead of imitating the people I'm around. Gender is only one part of it.
Even if I never came out, the journey of self exploration has been very rewarding.
2
I don’t really have anything to add, other than I feel like I’m in the same, or a similar, boat. “I kinda think I’m trans but that’s a big commitment and what if I’m wrong” sums me up
8I would implore you and @MisterMcBolt@lemmy.world to read the following articles:
It's just a fetish right?8Thank you, I will read through this after work!
5
Like, I would 100% be a woman if I could choose.
You know by believing yourself when you write something like this. No cis person would ever say that and mean it.
8I suspect there's some people who might sorta mean it in the moment they say it if they're jealous about something like some girl getting free drinks or something. Like, they don't want to be a woman though: they want some perk some women get. Likewise, a woman who wishes they were a man to avoid some forms of sexual harassment or workplace discrimination may mean it in a way, but may still be cis.
2
It sounds like you're literally me, I've had every single one of those thoughts and honestly, I'm only slightly ahead of you in that I've had some therapy now and I understand that I'm trans, even if I haven't fully accepted it yet. Therapy is definitely step 1, and also some gentle experimentation, remember though that this process will take as long as it takes, you can't rush it. If you decide to try on women's clothes I definitely recommend getting a padded bra and some tights, the only time so far I've felt good in them is thanks to those two
7What do you mean by "I feel like I missed the boat"?
7In the sense that maybe I'm too old and are past some point of no return. Probably not a very constructive thought.
7I thought that's what you meant. We've all had those
8In the sense that maybe I’m too old and are past some point of no return.
7I'm 34 and have never looked or felt better in my life because I finally got my hormones like a year ago. I am thriving because I am me. I know that's not terribly old, but you get my point. I can't tell you who you are, but it's only too late if you're dead. Whoever you are, be that person now.
6
All I know is that cis people don't think the things I think.
6I would be a girl if I could go back. In my case, I think I just want to experience stuff I'll never realistically be able to experience. I don't feel like a girl. I'd like to be treated like one, a lot of the time, tho. I don't want to lose my penis or any of that kind of thing. That's really the only way I know I'm cis.
6I don't have any answers for you, but I just wanted to let you know you're definitely not the only one.
6Thank you! And best of luck to everyone!
1
Thanks for the post. I know it's not what you intended but I can definitely relate to some of these thoughts, helps reading the comments.
6I am very happy with the comments and am also very happy if they help others.
4
TL;DR: I have no idea, but I too struggle with the conflicted feelings you mention.
I apologize if the following is a long ramble, but I’m currently dealing with very similar circumstances. I also prefer female protagonists out of a combination of attraction and envy. If I had a magic potion I could drink that would turn me into my ideal (unrealistic) female form then I’d take it without a second thought.
However, it’s unclear to me if I actually want to be a woman, or if I really just don’t want to be me. I’ve always been more traditionally feminine than masculine (naturally quiet, verbal rather than physical, tend to socialize better with girls/women, etc.), but that has also contributed social pressures that made me feel like I wasn’t a “real man.” Do I not feel like a man because I identify better as a woman? Or do I not feel like a man because so many people have mocked me throughout my life and made me feel like I can’t be a man?
I’m working with a therapist now on the many mental health issues I’ve had, and I highly recommend looking into therapy if you haven’t already. In my case, my therapist has voiced a tentative opinion that, what at first felt to me to be a desire to be a woman, has been me conflating my own identity with my unrestrained sexual desires and fetishes. Put simply, I was extremely isolated for so long with nothing to give me purpose or definition except for the the media I consumed. The idea of a young, beautiful, kind, powerful, sexually liberated woman was both the height of my sexual desire and the height of my personal aspirations. That (unrealistic) archetype was a fantasy that took on a life of its own in my mind and became a part of my personality over the course of approx. 20 years.
I hope that we, and the countless other people suffering, can come to better understand ourselves. I hope for a future where we can feel happy and proud of ourselves, regardless of what form or gender identity we are or will become.
6In my case, my therapist has voiced a tentative opinion that, what at first felt to me to be a desire to be a woman, has been me conflating my own identity with my unrestrained sexual desires and fetishes
This is a huge red flag. That right there is straight from anti trans conversion therapy tactics.
A therapist should not be telling you who you are or who you aren't, they should be helping you find yourself. And that there is not helping you find yourself, it's taking someone struggling to find themselves and then pushing them in a certain direction.
If you are trans, all you will get from following that path is pain and anguish, because nothing will ever feel right about pretending you're not.
If I were you, I would ask your therapist something like this. Now that you've explored the possibility that you're not trans, and what that might mean, and how you arrived there, how about you explore the possibility that you might be trans, and see where that exploration leads you.
If they push back, and refuse to consider anything like that as an option, or if they allow it, but start loading the conversation with negative stereotypes about being trans and comparing it to a fetish, then you need to get away from that therapist for your own well being.
You might be trans, you might not be, but you need to find a therapist who is open to helping you find that answer, not a therapist that thinks they already have the answer and is trying to push you down that path. Make sure therapist is the former, not the latter.
9Exactly! I would consider myself a fairly manly man. I was into bodybuilding for a while and it still shows. I also empathise with your struggle with sexual desire. It is something I have, and still struggle with too. Good that you found a therapist and best wishes for the future!
5
What do you mean by "I feel like I missed the boat"?
4Ah for me it was starting medical transition.
The moment I put on my first patch, the calmness I felt and the certainty that it was the correct decision... basically sealed the deal for me. And it just kept getting better.
I had so long to change my mind, and even now going on three years I could throw in the towel but I don't want to... not even close.
Every day the desire grows stronger within me to see this through. No matter how I look in the end, no matter what society or governments think.
3Wow, that is very inspiring!
1
Cisgender people basically don't ever think about being the opposite gender. The fact that you're even questioning is practically guaranteed that you're at least some level of transgender. Whether or not it's bothering you enough to pursue it is something that you have to figure out for yourself unfortunately. It will all come down to how badly you want it, how accepting your friends and family are, and how accepting the society you live in is or how much you're willing to put up with from society at large.
2I would assume that anyone negatively affected by sexism / gender roles (nearly everyone) has thought about being a different gender.
1I assumed "thought about being a different gender" in this context meant "actively desiring it irrespective of negative impacts of sexism and gender roles." Such that, even if one could magically take away those negative impacts, the desire would remain.
For what it's worth I (cis, a man) have felt less than a man on occasion and have always been more of the quiet, sensitive, bookish type. Sure, I have pondered being another gender briefly here or there -- as a thought experiment or trying to empathize, perhaps -- but I have never seriously wanted to trade being a man for any reason. I want to stay how I am, actually.
Hopefully this is helpful to some.
1
Yeah, I was wondering if people did. Reactions is what is part of what scares me to even find out though. Seeing how brave others are on here though certainlh helps.
1
There's a science fiction story, I think by Cory Doctorow, in which one of the technologies was gender reassignment restrooms. Go in, spend (unspecified, but not too terribly long, since characters talked about going in preparation for activities that night) time, and emerge with the new gender as though born to it. And my first thought was, yes, I would pay any amount of money to have that available to me. Like genderdysphoria.fyi says, if you think about it at all, you're already thinking about it 100% more than most cis people ever do.
2You are right, I'm on the waiting list now.
2