How do you find genuine community in an atomized, individualistic society?

I don't feel that our society is atomized or individualistic, but that's going to depend on what kind of life you live. Standard advice is to join clubs or volunteer, and after a month or 6 months at any given place, sit down and think about whether it's helping you achieve the social goals that you want to achieve. If it's not, walk away.

6

Walk away, and try again in a different place, using insight gained from the first try.

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What have you tried so far?

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I decided to volunteer at the local railway museum, which then introduced me to the local model railway group, and now I am part of both and meeting many more people aswell. Both for getting out of the house, and meeting new people, it has been awesome not to mention the fun.

Find an activity you would like to do, preferably with people involved, and put yourself out there. Join a club that pertains to an interest. All good ways definitely.

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I haven’t figured this out entirely, but I’ve found a partial solution in being part of a men’s group.

We meet weekly to discuss our feelings.

After a couple years in that group, one of the other guys requested that someone call him a few times per week because he needed an impetus to keep moving. He was battling depression and laziness, and wanted someone to check in on him.

I volunteered to call him three times a week. It was only going to be a few weeks at first, but we kept it up.

Now it’s been about six months of me calling him on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday morning. I told him I’d be happy to call him like this for the next fifty years if that’s what it takes.

I live alone, and don’t really see anyone on a regular basis except for this group. I don’t know my neighbors, nor anyone in my neighborhood. I’ve considered joining a church to have some community, but I don’t want to distort my relationship with God.

But this morning I spoke with that guy. He’s not physically present, but our ongoing commitment to this phone call schedule creates an abstract “meeting place” where we encounter each other regularly.

It really works. It’s like sharing a kitchen with someone, and bumping into them there on a recurring basis.

I think it would be great if more people made arrangements like that. I think it would be great if there were a community here on Lemmy just for the purpose of setting such arrangements up.

Regular, recurring connection is magic.

In college I had a classmate that I enjoyed speaking with. Somehow we decided that we were going to have breakfast every Saturday morning at Le Peep, just the two of us.

We did that for an entire year of college, and it formed a deep bond. We became best friends, as a result of seeing each other regularly.

I myself don’t have the bandwidth to take on a lot of such connections, but if anyone is interested in trying such an arrangement please respond to this comment and y’all can pair off.

The arrangement I would propose is this:

Set up a recurring schedule. Same time on the same day every week
One of you calls the other
Have some specific questions planned, in order to kick start the conversation. With this guy from my men’s group, I started off by asking him three questions: “How are you feeling right now? How did yesterday go in terms of your plans and objectives? What are your plans/objectives for today?” This was to help him keep moving in the depression/laziness he was experiencing. Now after months we’ve abandoned the formulaic structure and we just talk
Treat it as important. Stick to the commitment and make the calls. Lots of people don’t stick to their commitments, and that sucks. Commitment creates consistency, and consistency is the heart of community.

If anyone would like to experiment with this, I can call you regularly for a short period of time to teach you how it’s done. I can’t afford a lot of long-term commitments right now, but I’d be happy to put in some effort to help people understand the technique.

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you seem like such a great guy. 🙏

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- I’m getting better. The other men in the group are helping. They’ve helped me heal a lot of trauma, and they hold me accountable for promises I make.
  
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The core is basically this.

Go where the humans are. Do so on a regular basis. It doesn't really matter where, so long as it's a place where a) socialization is not actively discouraged, and b) people are likely to show up more than once.
Talk to as many humans as possible until you find humans you click with.
Bring other people into the fold as you meet them.

There are environments that make this easier - hobby groups, certain 'scenes' in your area (music, art, etc.), volunteer organizations, etc. - but you can start the work pretty much anywhere humans congregate.

Are there any hobbiest groups re: digital art or adjacent activities in your area (zine making socials always sounded pretty fun)? Is there something you've always wanted to try that's on offer as a group event? Start there, talk to the humans, show up more than once and there's a good chance you'll be off to a good start.

...said the kettle.

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I am also a kettle, but I figured I needed some motivation in my life to get to know more people. Moving from Norway to Bumfuck, Nowhere in Denmark has made it hard to make friends, but my wife and I got a puppy two weeks ago, and have signed him up for puppy training classes with other puppies. We'll also use the dog park in the towns nearby to meet people. I think that's a good way to meet people.

I'd also like to add that getting a puppy on a whim in NOT a good idea. We talked about this for years, and planned for months. My depression has gotten so much better, buy jesus christ, he can be a little hellspawn lol 😂

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- Dogs are great! People who like dogs - generally not the mean Pit Bulls, or Rottweiler types though - are good people. You can jog and hike with your dog. They are great conversation starters.
  Note: Not saying Pits and Rots are mean but some people tend to get them because they want a dog perceived to be vicious and proceed to train them that way.
  
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- The dog park is an excellent choice, from what I've heard from dog owners. Between that, walkies forcing you to get out and moving regularly, and good ol' fashioned companionship, dogs are just great in general, though certainly require a high level of commitment and care.
  
  4
One time I had a contract gig which had me showing up to the same office building M-F for about six months.

There was a coffee shop where I got my morning coffee on the way in to work.

I made myself a rule that after I was handed my coffee, I would stay for 60 seconds making small talk with others in the shop before I left.

Within a couple of weeks I knew everybody who hung out in that shop and everybody who worked behind the counter. It was a very warm, fulfilling part of my day to stop and chat with the people there. Ended up spending 5-10 minutes daily.

And all it took was a commitment to delay my departure by 60 seconds. It was so easy to just say “thanks” and zip out the door with my coffee.

5

You build it yourself one step at a time.

1

Like u/NeoNachtwaechter rightfully said:

Society, community… these are abstract terms. You cannot talk to them. The cannot love you.

Life happens when you meet people (not abstractions).

So, when you write:

Preferably in real life and without religion or alcohol.

Don't see anything personal in the following remark (I don't smoke and don't drink, I quit both many decades ago, and I don't give a flying fuck about religion myself) but you can't expect to meet people that fit your expectations.

Life does not work like a dating app (luckily).

You will meet people, a few of them you will appreciate more than many, many others. All of them, even the 'nicest' ones, will still annoy you one way or another. Like you will annoy them, or like I do. We all.

My spouse and I have been together for 25 years and counting, we're glad to be together but I can assure you we also both have traits or habits the other don't like at all, and that's fine. My best friend and I have been friends for well over 40 years and we're at the complete opposite politically speaking, we always have been. Like we never agreed and we never will. We're fine with our lifelong disagreements because we have many other common interests (and he is a very interesting guy even if his politics are shit ;)

So, the first thing I would suggest would be to accept that people will not be what you want them to be, or how you want them to be.

And then to let things happen, or not happen. That's my second advice: be ok with nothing happening or with failing when trying to make them happen. Most of the time meeting people won't go anywhere and that's to be expected. Don't give up, keep on meeting people and spend some time with them.

I know those advice may sound a bit... generalist but you did not share a lot of context yourself to give you a more specific answer either. And, generalist or not, those are still two advice I follow myself.

27

For me, it was a writing group. The guy that leads it just threw a holiday party for us, and I love those, because the group is a wide range of ages, from all walks of life, and they're all smart and interesting, and we all love stories. It makes for great in-depth conversations

6

board game cafes!

10

If you’re physically able, go somewhere people are willing to teach you something :) Try a climbing gym.

The first hurdle will be working up the courage to ask for advice (on a route, on equipment, about an event) and the next will be showing up often enough that you’re a recognizable part of the community.

16

Meetup has helped - especially around RPGs and board games. Having a weekly group of friends meeting up with a shared topic helps.

13

Get involved with something that requires a community.

Sounds stupid, but there's plenty of things that require groups of people to be possible. Community sports, political activism, board games and cards, etc. typically have easy to join communities created for the express purporse of doing the one thing.

4

Local ttrpg store

3

Here's some really good advice about finding community.

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A fellow Belle of the Ranch viewer in the wild, wonderful ✨️

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I once went to a woodworking store to get supplies for one of my brief ADHD hobbies, and the guy there mentioned that they have classes and there were some carvings on display that people made. It sounded like a nice, small group of people and if I wasn't so lazy and socially anxious I might've enjoyed joining.

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In the meantime !dull_mens_club@lemmy.world

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Meet up has a lot of groups with a variety of activities. You can find hiking, biking, swimming, reading, knitting, quilting, art of various forms, board game, DND, video game, canoeing, kayaking, trivia night, yoga, meditation, foodie, singles, couples, and ither groups to be part of.

6

Pretending you enjoy normie stuff like star wars or Axe throwing.

5

You may even find you... enjoy it. 😱

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I found one in community dance, specifically local folk dance. The median age is probably 65, so it’s adaptable to a wide range of athleticism levels, but it does require significant mobility.

I absolutely loved it until covid, and then I moved, but it was a wonderful group of people through whom I met dear friends, found a job offer, learned a bunch of things, and found a home.

7

Political activism for me personally

3

Do mutual aid

5

This

2

I'm still trying to figure this out for myself.

You just need to put yourself around people as much as possible.

If your circumstances are that it isn't possible, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. You perhaps could then make it your goal to relocate or put yourself in a position where you can be around people.

What kind of stuff are you into?

4

Recently I've been getting into making digital art and reading books. Though I haven't done much of either yet. These are new hobbies that I just discovered my enjoyment of and I'm just getting into them for the first time.

3
- Sometimes libraries have book clubs, where people regularly meet up to - chapter by chapter or book by book - discuss the book. Those can be amazing communities. And you immediately share something meaningul (the book). Maybe see if your local library has one?
  
  5

Lemmy, but you never leave the house, society, but you never spend time at home.

2

Scouting helped me a lot with this. It’s an active community, and not just for kids. And it’s worldwide, so wherever you go, there’s a community you can visit, or recognize

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If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and did you consistently do Scouting from child/teenhood to recently?

Been playing with the idea of Rovers, I just don't know what that'd be like as an adult out of Scouting for many years who's lost most of their outdoor experience.

Edit: Not Rovers I guess, the one that takes people over 26. Edit edit: I thought this was a thing but I guess isn't, though some Googling suggests there's something in the works topping out at 30ish.

1

Not sure if you mean without alcohol as in without you yourself needing to drink, or if you mean where do you find an entire community who doesn't drink.

If you're looking for athiest teetotallers, you're already cutting out more than three quarters of people you'll ever meet, so no wonder you may be finding it hard.

If you're anywhere slightly populated, check out local festivals and street markets that get stood up on a regular schedule. Where I am there's usually a weekly farmer's market in a few cities nearby. If you want to volunteer to set-up or work at one they always have the most friendly, community-based people. You'll have to not be anti-social for long enough to make friends with people, but normally it will be the same group who goes to every street festival and market, and you'll recognize all the vendors and workers (who are chill people).

2

I’m having some luck in building a community through my yoga practice. It’s challenging as a beginner because everyone just goes to yoga and then jets off to their next thing.

But I have become very serious with it and am preparing to get my teacher certification. Now I am starting to connect with people who share thtat level of dedication.

Now you could say this is religion technically, but it is so vastly different from the defective and derivative brand of xtianity I had pushed upon me as a youth that it doesn’t feel that way. Practicing Mormonism never gave me lickable abs.

2

Sports/music

Join a club

2

The workplace?

1

The closest I had to this actually was my old workplace, but power dynamics, workplace stress, and a lack of shared purpose were my biggest problems.

Having your behavior controlled by management, friendly coworkers who suddenly become cold-hearted backstabbers if they find out they can gain financially from it, etc

Stressful days where we were overworked also brought out the worst in everyone, including me at the time, which was also not fun...

Depending on the job, there could also just be a lot of people who don't want to be there other than for the money, and in those cases, there isn't really a uniting greater purpose that everyone believes in.

I think it might work for some people, but the conditions have to be right. For me personally, the corrosive and anti-social influence of money makes me wary of really trusting or connecting with people on a genuine level in work environments.

5

Society, community... these are abstract terms. You cannot talk to them. The cannot love you.

Life happens when you meet people (not abstractions).

1

Well then, I guess if I were to rephrase the question, I'd ask:

Where are some places or contexts where you can find a group of 5-30 people who meet regularly, generally feel connected to one another, and won't spend the whole time staring at their phones?

15
- How about hobbies? If everyone in the group is passionate about fishing, knitting, model airplanes, flower bouquets, wood working, painting or something like that, you’ll have plenty to talk about. If you talk to people, and get to know them a little better, you’ll suddenly begin to feel more connected.
  
  7
- Hobbies are the best way to meet people wanting to do something (beside looking at their phones, I mean).
  
  I was into scale models, people would meet to do (and to talk) scale models.
  
  I play chess (irl), people will meet to play (and to talk) chess
  
  Sketching/painting/photo/art. Here in my city it's not hard to find people that like to do urban sketching or go out to take pictures, or go to expo, museums and so on.
  
  Have you look around what IRL activities are related to hobbies you may be into? You may also ask your local public library, if they do not organize activities themselves they will probably have info on some other org doing it.
  
  5
How does this codswallop have eight upvotes? OP asked a perfectly reasonable question and this is word salad.

Neo, you dingus.

6
- Codswallop, dingus… these are abstract terms. You cannot argue with them. They cannot hate you.
  
  Disagreements on the Internet happen when you argue with people (not abstractions).
  
  (Sorry, I couldn't resist)
  
  10

Look for a niche

0

You don't. Simple as that

-8

Hey, I’ve seen you around before.

Perhaps it’s a bit nosy of me, and of course I don’t fully know what you’re going through, but I know there’s a real person on the other side suffering, and that’s the only thing that matters to me.

So I wanted to say that I’m thinking about you and I care about you. You have intrinsic worth no matter what anyone says. Even if you can’t find anyone to talk to in real life. Even if you get a bazillion downvotes and hateful comments on the Internet. It doesn’t change that fact one bit.

I remember years ago when I was in a really painful headspace, I would project my internal cynicism and attract negative attention on purpose in order to make other people affirm my self-hatred and belief that I deserved to suffer.

But I was hyperfocused on the negativity. I ignored the caring people who were concerned about me because it didn’t support my internal narrative that everyone hated me and therefore I should hate myself too. I found comfort in hopelessness because it meant that I didn’t have to be vulnerable anymore. I told myself that a bad outcome was guaranteed and therefore it’s never worth opening up or reaching out.

Most people who feel for you won’t speak up. That’s one of the reasons I believed nobody cared about me: I couldn’t see the evidence. People have to step up and be part of the evidence, so I might as well be one of them. Real life evidence is worth a lot more than Internet comments, but if my words have even a chance of helping you in some way, then writing this all out was completely worth it.

The single most healing moment in my life is when someone in real life offered to be that person for me, and she told me all of the things that she genuinely liked about me. I was an emotional wreck; I avoided talking to anyone, was woefully insecure, and felt like nobody could ever like me. She knew all of these things and chose to talk to me anyway. Her compliments canceled out all of the insults and rejections I had ever received and made me confident in myself for the first time. I have hope you can meet someone like that too. Mine showed up when I least expected it!

So maybe it’s none of my business, and maybe many of the things I said don’t apply to your situation, but I want to make it absolutely clear that, whoever you are, I care about you, and many other people do too. You deserve love, healing, and support. And I truly wish the best for you.

Hugs~

5
- Great message my friend.
  
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