Anon hires a goth chick

That "Goth" chick just rinsed this dude to watch her perform a dance.

My gay friends call me a platinum star because I never fucked a woman and I'm a cesarian section.

I am not following
- "Gold star" means "never had sex with the opposite gender" in LGBTQ+ slang. My man here managed to dodge the pussy at birth too, elevating him to platinum rank.

pulls out $600 and asks for happy ending

You're not a virgin because you're bad with women. You're a virgin because you're bad with money.

yeah maybe hire an actual prostitute instead of assuming all women offering a service you don't understand are actually just whores

anon deserves his blue balls

she implied anon could've recieved that service if anon wasn't "too spiritually pure" defo a prostitute, at least as a side hustle.
(if this story was real that is, which of course it is not)
Anon is very obviously describing a prostitute who lives somewhere where it is illegal and thus advertising with innuendo. Anon was turned down by a prostitute. Also the only one calling women whores was you.
- Anon is very obviously describing a prostitute who lives somewhere where it is illegal and thus advertising with innuendo.
  this is a possibility but it sounds more to me like he misunderstood a witchy tiktoker who also likes bdsm, which is VERY common in occult-y circles
  Anon was turned down by a prostitute.
  if she's a prostitute then no anon wasn't "turned down", anon was robbed.
  Also the only one calling women whores was you.
  nah but thanks for letting me know you're upset for some weird reason

 greentext

    
>get psych degree
>become disillusioned with the world and my minuscule place in it
>distaste for society rising
>decide to open a little witch shop
>even offer subtle counseling
>occasionally rip chuds out of their hate holes 
>never had a customer leave without personal growth 

>be yesterday
>laundromat fire left me with barely any clothes
>fuckthisqueerhatingearth.png
>still have customers today
>can’t cancel without incurring penalties
>fuckthisqueerhatingcreditprocessor.fat
>smell like burnt plastic
>wearing rescued sheets from head to toe
>appointments not going too bad considering the circumstances
>then arrived the mound
>a ball of unwashed hair stretching out into a protective sphere
>sebum flows and drips from my bead draped doorframe as walks in
>understand immediately that I have to do something about this
>I’ll save this one Jonny
>but I can’t get a word out of him
>he communicates only in grunts
>he's distracted for some reason
>finally give up as the hour elapses
>grasp failure for the first time
>as he leaves, he suddenly turns, whipping salty droplets onto my face
>I convulse but keep my composure
>finally hear his voice
>think we’re finally going to talk
>he extends a wad of money toward me and begs for a handy
>the straw that broke the camel’s back
>can barely squeak out an apology as I exit the room and begin crying
>I just wanted to help

👏👏👏 BRAVO 👏👏👏

Go to a rave and do some meth.

If you don't get to rail someone / get railed, contact me for further instructions.

Average CIA agent
- You got invited to Langley? Fuck yeah, man. Everyone gets laid at Langley
- Covers' blown, get out of there Dasus!
- profession i might enjoy but not a country i would like serving
Joke's on you; I have ADHD. Meth just makes me even more quiet and reserved.
If you want to come out of your shell and get laid at a rave, I recommend candy flipping. Psychedelics will turn the most reserved introvert into a social butterfly, and the MDMA is to take the edge off, so that you can just enjoy tripping in public without having to face your demons and discover the meaning of life. The combo makes sex so much better too.
- Yeah that's now how anything works and I don't care to argue as I've had the debate 100000000x times

Why is everything so depressing here

on earth?
- I mean. It looks like sad people find their way in greentexts.
Because the Internet was a bad idea at this point. ;)
Is it depressing though? Tragedy is somebody's comedy, you just got to see the funny and laugh.
I mean just look at the state of the planet and where humanity heading. If that does nor make you depressed then what is wrong with you?

"I see you more as a brother"

"How much to see me as a step brother?"

Drop the $600 under a bed for her to reach it
just in case anyone wants to watch 40 mins about the bg of the original "stuck in a washing machine" woman, along with lawsuits against the predatory practices of gdp
https://youtu.be/gX8Rec_Fgsc?t=1727
- pioneers and innovators

Some folks around here really down bad

Gay dudes are always waiting to help the down and out.

Fake: anon paid a woman

Gay: anon didn’t get a boner

I was 27 when i did the deed for the first time. It was very overrated. I'm almost 40 now. Ive been married, tried a few partners, it just didn't matter. But before 27 I thought I must be missing out and got sad over it. Nah man it's really nbd.

It's not a big deal, except that now you know it's not a big deal. When people are hung up about it, releasing that can be a help.
It's society putting sex on pedestal. I agree when I did the deed for the first time, I feel it is overrated. Sorry if i might slight someone here, but from my observation, it is kind of the shallower folks who put too much value on sex.
It's because you had sex with your popo instead of with your peepee
- makes sense for someone from @lemmynsfw.com to say that lol
- Ty, almost forgot where we were
Yep. Spent 5 years feeling social pressure to have sex then when I did have it at 20 it wasn't as enjoyable. The only thing I got out of it was guilt for caring so much about something that mattered so little; regret for rushing into something i didn't really want; and relief for not having the bare the social burden anymore.
Protect your virginity lol.
- i wouldn't say "protect your virginity".
  i would say to not do it until you're ready, and don't expect it to be the best thing ever, because everyone has a different experience and you may or may not enjoy it.
- As a multicultural person, depends what society you're in. Western culture is hedonistic and obsessed with sex, while the more conservative non-Western cultures are prude and ascetic. Either way, both cultures put sex on pedestal. When one loses their virginity doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Humans are weird creatures for having this attitude on sex.
- I hope you realize you are an outlier in this respect
- while you're at it, also protect your milk teeth. do stand in the way of progress.

IMO the worst thing about being a virgin is that it's forbidden to have sex, at least according to your caring parents, teachers, and social context. It's more about breaking the nonsensical rules than actually about having sex, at least that's how it was for me.

it's forbidden to have sex
Yep. I grew up in upper class britain and it's sad how here too that was somehow, without ever explicitly being said, drilled into me.
Edit: nobody ever told me that sex was bad, but that's the view I took away for some reason?
- i think it's less explicitly "sex is bad" and more "virginity is holy", making people feel like sex is bad

That's why you make an agreement in advance.

it's not the sex that I crave, just a physical warmth would be great

Same. But sex would also be great
Then get a dog
Allow me to introduce you to... the London Undeground trains! The Northern line in summer rush hour is like a bunch of penguins huddling together for warmth in a hot oven.
EDIT: I think I misunderstood what you wanted but I hope you got a chuckle out of it.
- this is the kind of thing only an aroace could say
This is a really common sentiment. Humans are social apes but many cultures have severely curtailed what kind of touch is considered appropriate.
I highly recommend hanging with cats. When I was younger, I volunteered at a cat rescue. Friendly cats are almost always down to be pet and to rub their furry little faces all over you. It's hard to feel as lonely when you're hanging out with your cat buds, and the rescue cats need friends too.
- I have 3 stray kittens hanging out around my porch. Once they get comfortable enough, I will take them to vets and from there I hope the three can stay inside
Hot Pockets aren't just for eating anymore.
- I ain't no quitter
- Let it cool a while first, trust me
sweater?
- nooooooo i said physical warmth

I'm literally gonna be a 40 year old virgin bros

OP:

Boo hoo I am going to be a 40 year old virgin!

And? I'm a 29yr old who is still a kissless virgin. Just try to get some good friends or something. Improve your career and climb up that ladder, then sex or relationships won't even matter anymore. Get off of 4chan.

Wtf no your 9-5 (or in your case im guessing much longer) isn't a replacement for a relationship.
If you're somehow able to do nothing but work and self improvement all day and be satisfied with just that in your life then good for you but don't assume everyone can just adapt to that mindset.
Humans are not evolved to find intimacy so irrelevant.
- This is a green text so I'm gonna suspend as much reality as I can.
  This is not gonna go over well but here we go.
  If you want to talk to women or whatever romantic/sexual partner you'd prefer, why the fuck are we paying women to approach them in a non-romantic/sexual professional setting and then being upset?
  Either open up to people, lower your standards, or increase your own self-worth to approach whatever arbitrary standards you've made for you.
  Talking to people in a romance/sex setting isn't a fucking myth, it's a very everyday part of life that every single person thinks about. Approach it like that, don't be an asshole, and above all go out and have fun.
  There is someone for you, and even if you don't think so, there's someone exactly like you willing to take the same risk.
  If you've read this, and you're upset, it's on you. Go outside and fucking try.
- Some people find sex less important than others and prefer to focus their energy on other aspects of their lives.
- The idea that intimacy is required to live a fulfilling life is the lie. There are famous examples of people who were life long virgins. A few of them were in unconsummated marriages.
Surrender yourself to the capitalist machine
- I'm also bad at articulating my point, so this is on me.
  Friends are very important and having a career does not necessarily mean "Surrendering to the capitalist machine". (For example, running a union, contributing to a socialist group, growing a militia, etc.)
  Also having friends and family is important. I guess to me, wanting sex/romance feels so manufactured. Maybe that's the ace half of me talking. I really don't know.
- Yeah, it's actually impossible to have a job that you enjoy, or a profession that makes you feel like you're doing something important. We've all been gaslit by the capitalist money machine, and the professional pride we feel when we complete a project is just a coping mechanism. The only reason we spend years training, often since childhood, is the constant crushing threat of starvation. Wake up, sheeple!
  For some people, having a well-paying job or a career with advancement opportunities is a vital part of a fulfilling life. You can't deny that.
- Ultimately, capitalism is bad because it drains the only world we have of rescources making life for the next generation harder and harder. And you're preaching this to people who will never have children.
  "Cut off the hands of the armless."
Bro…I’m glad you’re happy. If you do get the chance for a kiss though, it’s worth trying it out. They feel nice.
i guess it's good for you that you're an emotionless cold-hearted robot (at least that's how you come across through your writing) because that means you'll be able to slave away without regret, but there's people who actually do want to have a future, and there's no future without each other.
- Well, I do want friendships for sure. I guess I have seen so many examples of toxic incel friends that obsess over wanting a girlfriend, and that having a girlfriend would fix all of their problems, and don't have obviously bigger issues to worry about.
  Maybe I listen to the man-haters too much. I am willing to change my mind.
  EDIT: I also have to tell you that I'm a huge NEET, so I do feel very unaccomplished and said career, only to find out that is capitalistic propaganda. So there is that.
Improve your what and do what? I have no idea what that means.
- Fixed. Man, I'm bad at spelling.
He should stay on 4chan he just needs to change boards. Plenty of boards where he can fix that

I have never fucked a woman but I fucked my first man at 29. Does that make me virgin?

The writers of "The Ethical Slut" advocate for a very broad definition of having sex. They even have a (tongue-in-cheek) bit where they say that by reading the book, you and the authors are engaging in a form of having sex.
I'm not sure I totally agree with going that far, but I do think a broad definition is better.
- yeah sex isn't really a defined thing, so anything can count as it (or not)
I'll take it in another direction from the other responses and just say: people give too much of a fuck about this idea of virginity.
- yeah
I'd say as long as it involves another person it counts.
- Another live person, who consents.
Is "gold star" dude a thing, or do only women get that label?
Nah any sex is losing your virginity
I'd say 'no', if you think it's fine to call it 'fucking', you're definitely not a virgin anymore. It's always subjective, though, some people think it's only 'sex' if it's p and v with at least one orgasm. Feels fucked up to validate the kinds of people who think 'soaking' makes sense in any way, but when you start considering lesbians, the subjectiveness becomes quite apparent.
- From Oxford:
  physical activity between two people in which they touch each other’s sexual organs, and which may include sexual intercourse
  It's not complicated, whether you're doing manual stimulation, oral stimulation, or penetration, it's all sex. Any other definition is trying to justify some behavior you feel would be inappropriate if labeled as "sex."
- if you think it's fine to call it 'fucking', you're definitely not a virgin anymore
  Oh, that's great to hear because I think it's fine to say that I've fucked up more than once in my life. So I'm no longer a virgin 🙌

I was afraid of that as well

You poor kids. Your parents screwed you up.

I've read advice that people need to continuously ask for consent DURING the act, just to be sure. This is stupid advice. Once you're both willingly naked in the same room, and no one laughed or ran away, you're good. If you're now thinking up exceptions to this, that's why you'll never get laid.

OTH, no one should have kids, so it's probably all for the best.

I think you may have misunderstood that advice. Consent during sex doesn't mean you keep asking 'do you still want to sex' over and over. It means that you make sure everything you do is something you both want. Theres like a million different things you can do together when you have sex, how would you know which of those the other wants? It doesn't even have to be verbal, giving and paying attention to non verbal cues is a type of ongoing consent too.
And I can't believe I have to say this, but: Someone being naked and in the same room as you doesn't give you permission to do whatever the fuck you want to them.
- For real. Like, if you have two brain cells to rub together, you observe body language and mix checking in on your partner with dirty talk. It's not like "are you still consenting?! Do you still like me?!" Literally there's porn lines you can copy like "yeah, you like that?" or "I want you to beg for it" or "tell/show me what you like" or whatever is up your alley. Deliver it with a modicum of confidence and its not weird.

People like this are losers. Want to have sex so bad? Go out there and fuck some boys.

You can increase the size of the lake, but that won't make fish more likely to bite.
- that allegory sucks. You're not increasing the size of the lake, you're increasing the amoundt of fish in the lake, which does indeed increase your chances one might bite.
ur big dumb dumb
FR though, dating dudes is so much more straightforward.
- Or at least queerforward.

Brah. Same. Ngl imma just Kurt Cobain when I turn 27 and I'm still a virgin. 3 years left.

Sex is not that important man
- That's rich coming from someone who fucks sharks.
  But honesty, sex is important. I get fucking crazy if I go without it for a long time.
  It is different for different people, but saying it is not important to a person who comes in to the Diskussion saying that it is important to them, is kinda mean.
- Username doesn’t check out
- Long term virginity is sort of proof that you aren't likeable enough for someone to have sex with you.
  It can be a bit of a downer when you realize that.
  So no, it is important. But it is also important to not give up.
  Took me til my thirties, and it gave me a confidence boost once it happened. Had to work on myself to make it happen.
- Sex is temporary, Cthulhu is eternal!
- I agree, but also, uh… hey, how you doin’?
- It is.
- It really isn't. Obtaining social capital, political engagement, and philosophical discussion is like way better and more important than sex can ever be.
Just visit a prostitute. It's tranactional. You get to choose and you don;t have to pretend to love somebody just to get laid.
Why not just hire somebody? Like, I get that it isn’t ideal, but if you’ve gone a quarter century without intimacy and you desire it, it can be obtained with a little cash and a week of research.
- I've got a funny story about that. We tried to call hookers with the boys, but got some weird dudes saying that they're gonna fuck us up. A few days later they indeed fucked us up. It's still a fucking mystery to me how they found us. Anyhow, it's hard to find anyone to pay here. Best bet are girls that fuck around, but it requires them liking you first and also spending money, and I never really got past the liking part. Maybe it's different in other places, I dunno.
- Young children don't have a drive for sex or intimacy (normally). Esentially (almost) everybody is aroace until puberty.
Your gonna get assassinated by music industry goons when you turn 27?
- Okay my bad, imma Ronnie McNutt. Hope that's more understandable
Your wife will kill you for your inheritance?
- I mean Ronnie McNutt style, I didn't know much about Kurt lore my bad