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I think the HVAC maintenance guy just destroyed my relationship

Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.

So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out "maintenance" very faintly from the other side of the door.

I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf's way in a "is this guy for real?" look.

Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was "glad I was there".

I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn't aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.

Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn't handle that correctly. She said her dad would've been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must've been asking her to protect me.

Despite us discussing a proposal now that we're 2 years in, she let me know she doesn't think I should "this year, but that she may change her mind".

I'm honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?

It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake--that I honestly think I handled fine--and she's putting our plans on ice.

She's been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it's a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she'll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.

What do y'all think? How big of a mess am I in?

88 comments
  • Yeah, there are a lot of red flags here. As you mentioned, she's willing to throw away a two-year relationship with someone she was considering marrying because of a look. On top of that, she seems to measure your masculinity by how quickly you become aggressive, which is a huge problem (unless you want to spend the rest of your life fighting every guy that looks at her). Also, the way she's framing delaying the proposal sounds like it's meant to hurt you (though I wasn't there, so you'd know better than me).

    It's your relationship, so I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you're not crazy, her reaction was not normal. You've also put two years into this relationship, so I wouldn't be too quick to throw that away either, but if you don't like how you're being treated you shouldn't disregard that. If I were you I would sit down, think about what you want and what you won't put up with, and then talk to her.

  • I’ve been in relationships (both romantic and non) where I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. It’s become something that I’m very aware of, and avoid whenever possible.

    Being sensitive and empathetic is one thing. Constantly feeling like you’re at risk of setting off a bomb is something else entirely.

    I’m sorry she has issues and a difficult past. However, those things aren’t your fault. It’s not selfish of you to consider your own wants and needs, especially when choosing a life partner. Even if this particular situation works out “well”, the fact that it happened at all is a major warning sign.

    She seems to take your affection for granted, and assume that you’ll always be desperate to please her. She thinks she can ignore your needs, hurt you, and you’ll always come back and gratefully accept whatever she’s willing to give. Living that way will crush you entirely. Further, by constantly bowing to her will, she will lose all respect for you - assuming she has any in the first place, that is.

    This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. You deserve better… you may not think so, but you do.

  • What a sexist, despicable attitude. She is as responsible for security and defense as you are.

  • Speaking purely in generalities (that may not apply), I have dated/married women who were like this. Potential "fun" situations may or may not include: her initiating fights with/between other guys so that you'll defend her (or to get things from them), her looking down on you/treating you differently when you share any weakness/doubt with her, etc. There are, in fact, women who believe a man should never cry. Just as men can internalize toxic shit and become awful to live with, plenty of women do the same.

    You don't want to be with someone for whom you feel you need to wear a mask 100% of the time. It's exhausting. Furthermore, it'd be one thing if this were just a "concern" that she discussed with you, but if this truly took her from zero-to-existential relationship crisis, ask yourself what that will be like in two more years when the excitement has really and truly worn off.

    • She sounds a lot like my ex, as do a lot of your examples. Picking fights, trying to make me jealous, straight up gaslighting me - she did all of it. And every time we fought it was my fault and I had to earn my way back.

      I spent 20 years of my life with her, and to this day I still have issues because of it. Luckily I have a girlfriend who is the complete opposite. Our relationship is easy. We can bring up issues we have and discuss them rationally and from a position of love.

      Relationships are absolutely work, but they should be a work of love, not of obligation.

  • Instead of talking to random idiots on the Internet have a real adult conversation with her. If she can't even do that then that would be a problem.

    • Yeah, communication is the only way to get the answer to your question. Maybe she wants to get help about it but is too insecure to talk to you about it. You obviously care about her so don't ignore it but don't jump to conclusions either.

  • We don't know your relationship and you have to decide what is a red flag or not at the end of the day.

    But don't ignore what you're worried might be a red flag.

    From another perspective that maintenance guy might have saved you a painful marriage.

  • Unfortuently theres so much nuance to a relationship, this small snippit couldn't possibly give anyone a clear view.

    So far I have: Sounds like her mood swings are awful and it puts you in a really uncomfortable situation. And I would be unhappy with her for that specific situation...

    But I have zero idea about the rest of your relationship nor would it be easy for you to tell me. 🤔

    I'm used to mood swings in my relationship too, but not that extreme. I say as long as you feel like can still trust her you're alright.

  • Sounds like she's just finding excuses and this will only escalate. Today she's trying to emasculate you, tomorrow...? Find someone that loves you for you.

  • That seems odd to me. I'm in a loving relationship around the same length, and neither of us would have approached it any differently than you.

  • Take everything people here say with a grain of salt. We don't know your relationships history, nor are we going to be able to get the full truth from both of your perspectives.

    That said, it sounds like there is definitely more going on in your relationship than just that event and her cycle. Yeah, maybe it would have been best for you to get out of bed and go check things out, but I'd say it's more likely that you didn't see how she was feeling from that experience which is the real problem. You might be experiencing a communication breakdown.

    Don't give up hope if you just recently started having these thoughts about ending the relationship. Even good relationships have low points. Keep the communication flowing. Keep friends around so the conversation can be light-hearted at times. Forgive everything that's forgivable. Maybe talk with a therapist or counselor (it's gotten cheaper). Find a way to take the edge off that's not harmful because you're probably really stressed.

    There's no magic bullet to fixing this situation. It's gonna take some effort to work things out. Best of luck

    Edit: you should also talk to the landlord about maintenance being in your house while you're sleeping. That really shouldn't happen.

    • I understand that. It's hard to capture the depth of relationships on some forum. I'll just say that we've both been through some difficult things, but we've supported each other. The past year or so, though, she's been going through a lot more (relatives dying, dad now in prison, etc.) , and I've stepped up to the best of my ability.

      Though she wants me to communicate more about how I'm doing, and she actually likes it when I do so, I just don't have the time or emotional energy to do that and still be present for her. It's a definite lose-lose. Because I know she's not really in a good state to have me be vulnerable on the way she likes, but by not being vulnerable, she feels like I don't trust her.

      I try to approach this (and all my relationships) with a strong understanding that people aren't perfect. We fuck up, make mistakes, and have to learn from them. Sometimes she doesn't have that same grace. She holds waayyy more grudges than I do. I essentially do a monthly ritual of forgiving her for lashing out a bit when her cycle is on or her psychiatrist doesn't give her a refill for her anxiety meds on time. But my mistakes are usually harder for her to move past. She does eventually, but nowhere near as often.

      I am looking for a therapist for myself right now, actually. I think at least ironing out how I'm feeling before I approach what happened with her is important.

88 comments