2 wk. ago • 97%

This app requires access to your contacts

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.zip/post/28090390

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/35018512

Far more than c/mildlyinfuriating

196 @lemmy.blahaj.zone This app requires access to your contacts

This is not my Life @lemm.ee This app requires access to your contacts

Comic Strips @lemmy.world FlushMe app - Bizarro

71 comments

Funny how this is supposed to be absurd - upside down duck, cake, “bizarro” and all - but it’s actually pretty accurate. So many products out there that require you to download their shitty spyware in order to do the things they are supposed to do.

85
- If you buy garbage products you get garbage products. That's on you.
  
  -1
  
  Yep. Until you can't find non-garbage products anymore because 95% of everyone else is dumb enough to fall for it.
  
  I think there's a reasonable case to be made against buyer beware here, we need to ban this shit.
  
  13
  
  Find me a new car in 2024 that doesnt store every GPS coordinate you've driven at for eternity. Genuinely, I'd like to see the non-garbage option because my '04 is getting old.
  
  5
Just 9.99 per month

52
- Until the company shuts down its servers and your toilet stops working.
  
  64
  
  And that'd be "only" a toilet. People out there euphorically buying cars like that.
  
  23
  
  And it goes down mid-use, and the toilet has tamper-proofing that stops you from emptying it any other way "for security".
  
  3
- For the basic plan, based on usage though it looks like you'd save more with our premium tier that allows unlimited flushes per day and includes our smellfesh scent subscription.
  
  3
The Japanese have already perfected smart toilets. There is no app, but there are loads of buttons, including for a heated seat and some music or ambient sounds to help you relax and disguise unpleasant noises.

33
- What about a little fountain spritz of lit up water like in that one Simpsons episode?
  
  4
  
  And fireworks for celebratory pooping.
  
  1
  
  Those would be clogged up in a few days. And I'm not even talking about shit, but limescale buildup. We have super hard water here.
  
  1
- The disparity in toilets in that country is insane. You have ones with full remote controls on the seat in some places then others that are squat holes that flush
  
  1
But don't you see the benefit - the data on your flushes helps our Trusted_† FlushMe Partners ® provide more relevant service to you, and also helps us partially offset the cost of our running our flush servers, allowing us to provide service to you for only $29.99 monthly_††!

†: All FlushMe partners have undergone creditworthiness checks. ††: Limited time one month introductory offer. FlushMe may, but is not required to, provide you with a personalised monthly price for renewal of the service.

24
"FlushMe: Have You Shat Today!?"

24
- Don't worry. I'm on a streak. If I keep it going for 30 days I will unlock the flushing feature without having to pay for premium.
  
  11
Not just download the app, but sign up for an account (and the newsletter in the process).

Then grant permissions to your phone:

camera (so it can watch you poop and train + analyze the footage with AI)

microphone (so it can hear and analyze if your plops are optimal)

contacts (to send out an invitation to all your contacts, along with a clip of your last poop sesh)

photos and videos (to upload, store, and analyze your life since birth, along with everyone else who's in your pictures)

sensors (to see how you're holding the phone, when, how much, how hard, etc.)

notifications (to sell you the premium plan)

location (for pinpoint accuracy of your 💩 locations)

call logs (to see who you're communicating with before, during, and after you drop your log)

nearby devices (for accuracy and to silently communicate with nearby devices)

calendar (for full history and to schedule your next mondo duke)
22
- Don't forget all the health and biometric data, last used app, and Facebook access
  
  2
- Now we're talking proper dystopia!
  
  1
too many household appliances need an app

16
What happens when the company goes out of business? You no longer can flush?

14
- Precisely
  
  11
- As long as they can convince their shareholders this will eventually make money and you buy into their eventual $30/flush subscription they won't have to go out of business
  
  3
I laughed a lot when I saw this and I sent it to my parent who laughed too. This is my parents house right now. They want buttons for their lamps but they were forced to get an app for most of them and had to fight the company to put in buttons. They also got a ventilation system without buttons and they could not get buttons except if they payed for a very expensive hub, so they went for the app. But only one person can be connected at a time and you have to unpair before someone else can pair, so the app act as if it is the hub.. it is very strange

14
- Set up Home Assistant on a Pi or something for them. It can likely control everything from a central app
  
  8
- My parents had a house built a couple of years ago and it's the same with them. It's real hard for me to say "I told you so" like every time I go over there and see them fighting with some app bullshit on one of their appliances. It pisses me off so much because there was nothing wrong with their old house and now I'm going to be stuck inheriting the new one that's worse in every way. Probably right around the time all the cut corners in the construction start coming out as the place falls apart.
  
  3
  
  I'd love to inherit a house even if it had no appliances and was falling apart...
  
  2
Android has this feature of "Work Profile" that allows you to put these shitty apps in a separate profile so they can't accept any of your data. I mean it'd be better if we don't have distopian apps to begin with, but here we are...

(I used an app called "Shelter" that sets up a "work profile" and put apps in there and the apps can't access my photos contacts, or anything basically)

12
- There's also Insular which lets you clone apps and run them in an isolated sandbox. It's open source and available in F-Droid.
  
  7
  
  Correct! I use it whenever I am forced to install some apps. I always loved the android architechture
  
  0
Free trial exhausted. Subscribe now to keep using server infrastructure. After all, all you bought was the toilet, you can't expect the server space for free.

11
Enshitification intensifies.

10
Triple Flush Achievement Unlocked! Share with your friends?

10
- Shares with all of your contacts by default. Also includes a sales pitch to each of them to sign up as well
  
  5
Funnily enough, my toilet has it's own app.("Japanese style" shower toilet by a German company)

It's non-cloud, Bluetooth only, all functions work without it,but it tells you when preventative maintenance is due and enables you to configure the user profiles easier.

So there's that.

Wouldn't have bought it otherwise.

9
It tracks the quality of your shits, draws a graph of the daily amount that you can share on social media and recommends a list of sponsored foods depending on your needs.

7
- You jest but that's literally already a thing that exists and you can buy it!
  
  4
- I know you're joking but a toilet that analyzes your stool would be quite remarkable health monitoring device to go along with our smartwatches and stuff. I bet there's loads of health markers you could see from it.
  
  3
  
  Unremarkable shits. Your insurance claim has been denied
  
  3
NOOO!!! This is the Torment Nexus of toilets... now some company is going to do this...

7
- Some company surely already done this.
  
  3
People who greenlight these apps never heard of the cylons.

7
What a shitty idea.

3
In an alternate universe where /c/shitpost is a place where users share images of their latest bowel movement.

2
- I'm pretty sure there actually was a community like that on Reddit.
  
  2
Is nobody gonna mention the blueberry pie sitting in the middle of the hallway?

2
- https://lemmy.world/comment/13993204
  
  2
The remote bidet feature could be fun at parties!

2
The first thing to be flushed down that drain would be the plumber.

1
This could legit be helpful for me. There are so many times when I think I flushed the toilet but it turns out I didn’t

1
yeah I have the toilet from this photograph, it's really frustrating. good post OP, it's definitely relevant to the community

1
- I believe it is making light of the fact that this is the direction we are heading in as a society. See the recent ford patent that listens to you while you are driving to serve ads over your stereo, the $800 child's toy that will now be nothing but e-waste, BMW having you "subscribe" to your heated seats, or a more relavent to this conic example, the thousands if not millions of new "smart" devices that now require an app to perform functions that older technology could perform without needing a smartphone.
  
  2

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