2y ago

I'm just trying to relate

Image of a screenshot of Twitter of a screenshot of Facebook.

The Facebook screenshot reads:

Fun fact about me: When I'm having a conversation with you, I will periodically bring up personal experiences from my own life, interspersed withing your own stories that you're telling me. I'm not doing this to try and make the conversation about me, or to take away from your own experience. Actually, what I'm attempting to do, is to try and show you that I do, in fact, understand what you're trying to tell me, and that I am giving your story my full attention.

It can really be off-putting to some people, so if I've ever done this to you during a conversation, I just wanted to make sure you know that I wasn't trying to take over your story, I was just doing my best to connect with you in the moment.

The screenshot of Twitter reads:

This. I am fully aware that I do this. And I feel so guilty every time, but this. Understand this.

92 comments

This isn't normal conversation?
- ADHD person here living with a normie girlfriend and apparently it's not. She gets so upset when I add my own personal anecdotes to the conversation, but when I sit there in silence she accuses me of not listening.
  Guys I don't know what to do.
  
  Sounds like a her problem. This is how conversations work.
  
  Maybe normie girlfriend is not normie.
  
  Show her this meme and explain that you're doing it to show that you understand and emphasis with what she is saying.
  Communication is key in a healthy relationship.
  
  You make it sound like the only alternative to telling your own story is to say nothing.
  If you are actually interested in what she's saying, ask a question about what she just told you.
  
  Comment, nod, ask questions, laugh, exclaim - there are a ton of things you can say and do in a conversation other than interject with your own stories.
  
  Talk to her and see what she would expect you to do?
  
  Adhd with an autistic wife, and yeah she’s cool with this. Idk how neurotypical people want us to act. I have learned not to interrupt special interest info dumps though
While it's normal to do this (outside of obvious one-upmanship) I think what makes it autistic is the crushing awareness of the pattern and the realization of how wrong the reaction to such an innocuous thing can be if interpreted incorrectly. Some sort of paranoia of being misunderstood.
- Well apparently I have this paranoia although I think evidence of prior conversations makes it entirely warranted :)
- I fight the urge to share too much of my own past experiences or knowledge by speaking to myself in my head during the conversation. I know it annoys people when I do this too often, but it’s so frustrating at the same time to remain silent that I came up with this trick to « unload my mind ». Took me too many years to come up with this solution to be honest ^^.
Uh-oh. This is Autistic?
- Uh-oh. UH-oh. UH-OH!
  rocking back and forth intensifies
- Yes. They're called narcissists. This isn't an autism thing. This is a human empathy thing.
I do this all the time, I see nothing wrong with it, this person expalained it, but I thought it was obvious 🤨... like, I would like someone to do the same while I'm talking about something, cuz that shows interest and that that person can relate to my problem(s).
On the other hand, if people are like "yeah, yeah, I get it... mhm, yeah, you're right... mhm... mhm..." I just stop talking, it's obvious they're not interested in the subject I'm talking about... well, at least that's my reasoning.
Isn't this just normal behaviour? There is nothing wrong in this, to my understanding.
- There are degrees. If someone's sharing about their recent stillborn child, it's probably best not to bring up that one time I was 6 and my cat died and I can really, really sympathize. Anyone who worries about this is probably that person and could spend more time asking questions and less time, "relating".
- Many find the interrupting part to be disrespectful and rude, but it really isn't.
I'll often consciously play a game where I try to get my conversational partner to 'open up', telling me more personal information than a person would normally tell. Meanwhile, I keep my revelations to a minimum, keeping the ratio as high as I can. I've had people cry and hug me, all while knowing nothing about me. I do like helping people and comforting them though.
Probably sociopathic behavior now that I think about it. Forget I mentioned it.
- I respect this. I fix computers for a living and people tell you a surprising amount about their lives if you just nod and agree with platitudes like "Oh yeah, I definitely get it." and "That's fair enough"
- Hahaha, as a nurse, I think you should become a nurse. This is a clinical skill we are taught called "therapeutic use of self."
  I will selectively tell stories from my own personal background explicitly for the sake of drawing more information out of a patient, letting them know they're not alone I've been through something similar, or sometimes just a funny anecdote to distract them from something uncomfortable.
  But it's never about something I'm particularly interested in talking about. It's only because it's relevant to the patient's current situation and I feel like it might help them in some way. Because, after all, love y'all and everything, but I'm at work here, not trying to socialize with ya.
  And yes...it sometimes feels a little sociopathic lol
- It's been mentioned below that you're unknowingly employing a therapeutic skill as a coping mechanism, but it bears mentioning that you absolutely could and should consider with a professional why it arose. Neurodivergence or personality disorders do lend themselves to developing these kind of coping strategies. It might be worth seeing someone to discover if new self-understanding and control are just around the corner.
- Apparently I do this subconsciously. I've literally had thousands of people tell me that, "You're so easy to talk to," or "I wouldn't tell anyone else this, but you make me feel safe."
  I've yet to figure out how to actually use this autistic power for good.
- This sounds like a kind of, admittedly wicked, talent. Wanna share how you would go about it?
  (Edit: ok I think you got what I did there, judging from the fact that you deleted the reply)
  
  Honestly just showing genuine interest in a person is often enough.
If you are self-aware about this, then... tone it down. Like, 50% of the time you feel the urge to tell a related story, just don't. It's okay.
- Oh for sure. I've already toned it down to like 80%. However, there are some people with which I realized I toned it down 100% because they become accusatory ("you're trying to make it about yourself") or insulting ("you have no self-awareness because your autistic"). They wont necessarily say it so explicitly, but they definitely do it in a passive-aggressive manner that means the same thing. Regardless, I'm in the process of slowly removing them from my life.
If you don't try to verbally relate to the other person's experience isn't more of a lecture than a conversation?
- All people want to do is lecture you and have you tell them they are right
Wait. Is that not normal? I do exactly this all the time.
- It can be seen as rude because you're interrupting someone's story.
  My coworker does this neat trick where she interrupts with, "Oh I have a story too but I'll tell it later. Remind me!"
  And I always liked how she does that.
- It's physically painful to try to keep the story in.
- I find that neurotypical people feel like you're trying to compete with them for how bad your life is. They want to have it worse than you so they can get more sympathy. By making them feel like their struggles are not exceptional, you make them feel somehow less special. I never really understood that, but I guess a lot of people just can't stand to lose, even if it's a race to the bottom.
  
  This is nothing about winning or losing or not feeling special. It’s not always rude to bring the conversation back to you, but often when someone is telling a story it’s respectful to keep the conversation about their story until they’re done. Then they will extend you that curtesy. But the conversation didn’t start with your story or interjection, it only popped into your head because someone else is talking. Next time, you can start the conversation about your story and the listener will let you finish.
Jesus, Megan -- we get it -- this happens to YOU too. How about letting Vicky finish her story
I do it because I have nothing else to say and I'm trying to keep the convo going.
- If you really have nothing to say, just ask for a bit more detail on something they said.
  
  Just for the things that sound important to the other person, you can always ask things like "and what happened next?" "But why" or similar. Just a few questions that are open ended, so the storyteller is free to go into as much detail as they desire.
So, what ways do we know to demonstrate active involvement with someone's story? And when are they appropriate or inappropriate?
adding your own experiences (as per the OP)
asking questions
making noises - "mm-hm, ooh"
mirroring the speaker's expressions
eye contact
gestures like nodding
interjecting with an opinion (preferably sympathetic to the speaker)
Can you think of any more? Are there cultural variations? Any other observations?
- And when are they appropriate or inappropriate?
  This is my big problem. In a group where people are telling stories about themselves, when it’s my turn, my stories are inappropriate somehow. In 50+ years, I still haven’t figured out what I say that’s wrong,
  I’ve spent ages analysing my stories compared to others and I can’t figure out the difference, and no one will tell me. Is it the content (seems comparable) or how I tell it?
  It seems better to just say ‘pass’ in those situations and stop engaging.
  
  I suspect most of the time, when folks won't tell you what you did wrong, they don't really know themselves. Either that or it's some stupid power play thing where they think you're trying to challenge their status.
  Other option - tell the stories you want to tell, and everyone just has to learn that's what to expect from you.
  
  Are you being inappropriate or are you just misreading their reaction? My brother, who is neurodivergent, got very upset recently because he said he made a joke that offended everyone he worked with over a video chat. When I got the details from him, what actually happened is no one laughed and he thought that meant he had offended them.
- You forgot mirroring-repeating what they said back to them as if it was your input. "So what you're saying is..."
  
  Like you're a movie character taking a phone call, and you have to provide exposition for the audience? That's pretty funny
- Other forms of back channeling like ah, ok, yes, I see, wow?
  
  'Back channeling' - that's a new one on me.
  There's also a sort of ironic pushback - "no way! Get out of here! You've gotta be kidding!". This one feels like a trap tbh, haha.
- in my case, I only like the first two and the rest bother me lol
  
  As speaker or listener? All that active listening stuff feels so unnatural to me, and if anything it's harder to listen if I try to do it myself.
- I think everything there is what people tend to want except point 1
  
  That, to me, stemmung from my prior experiences, would reduce conversation down to office talk.
  Real conversations aren't like diatribes in the movies, which are really monotribes cuz of singular authors.
  The monotribes seem to flow so easily from character to character because, in reality, they are all flowing from the same source.
  Real life talking isn't Person A rants esoteric and emotional and B-unit responds with body language like a fucking NPC. Real talk is two people fleshing out a topic that's outside themselves, or if it's a part of themselves, it's disassociated with to be put under the spotlight. Thru the sharing of experiences with Topic© the 2 parties can assess their knowledge as well as the others knowledge, and glean useful insights, strategies, or get advise that they might not have thought of
  Seriously, this is the only form of conversation that even makes evolutionary biological sense. In a world where, once you leave to comforts of society and remember that, as much as a pain in the ass as other people are, without them, alone in the wild, 99% of us are something's lunch. We forget that little fact really fast. There is nothing more valuable to a person, to their safety, survival, and sanity as another person is. Idk, otherwise just seems like a pov born out of non-introspective privilege.
  Fucking I'll nod along and play supporting character if, and only if, there's a paycheck attached, and that's it, end of story.
interspersed withing your own stories that you're telling me.
This is what I don't get. The neurotypical person is the one telling personal stories, but then we're the bad people when we...tell personal stories.
I just see the same behaviors in everyone all the time and wonder what exactly is making the difference between neurotypical and neurodiverse. Besides an undue stigma from neurotypicals against people who don't fit absolutely perfectly into social norms for whatever arbitrary reasons.
- I think the expectation is that you ask questions about their story as opposed to telling your own as it shows interest directly and lets them continue to be the focus of the interaction. If someone came up to you and started a story about their weekend, it seems to be expected that instead of saying "mine too I did xyz" (if that happens to be similar) we're supposed to ask about their weekend in more detail so they can keep talking about their story.
  Sucks because the way I relate is exactly how OPs image puts it lol I'm showing I can relate by saying I've been through a similar thing, but that's harder for people to realize I guess and it takes the focus away from the person talking.
  
  At the same time, advice I've heard is to not "turn every social interaction into an interrogation". People have told me that I ask too many questions and should talk about myself more. So to me the expectation seems to be striking a balance. Sigh.
- This is a non autistic neurotypical thing to do too. If you get someone who is bitching at you saying an occasional 5 second aside showing that you relate to what they're saying, they're just an asshole, and they're in the wrong.
  I mean if you're doing every other sentence, then yeah, that's a bit much. But now and then is expected and someone who wants a half hour of center stage quiet from the audience should find a stage and a brick wall
- This is what I don’t get.
  I think reading this book can help you understand a lot of the neurotypical world.
  Ultimately, what I found is that I know I'm doing my best, mean well, and care about others. If certain people don't see that or even attack me instead, I just excuse them from my life. It's not my job to control what other's think of me. It's my job to control what I think of me, behave in a way that fits my values, and place myself in settings that make me happy.
I've gotten better results if my interjected story is funny.
Why so many times i read adhd and now autism memes i can relate to them.
- A lot of them are typical experiences that are just much more intense or frequent among ASD/ADHD. So while everyone pees, if you're peeing 100 times per day, then it becomes indicative of a larger issue.
- Idk about other instances, but almost anyone I had a long conversation with seems to do this...
  
  Because it's completely normal to share personal experiences during conversations with people you are familiar with. In fact, in my opinion, the weird part would be calling someone out for bringing up a conversationally relevant anecdote.
  
  Gonna say it's because conversations are supposed to be an equal back-and-forth and the internet makes me sad?
Omg I want to print this out and staple it to my chest. I’ve been accused so many times of being a ‘one-upper’ when I’m just doing my best to relate to people.
I also need a label like sandpaper has – I’m like 60 grit abrasive.
Oh god, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?
- I’ve been accused so many times of being a ‘one-upper’ when I’m just doing my best to relate to people.
  Yes!! I've noticed that this happens mostly with people that are insecure. If someone relates to me by sharing an experience that is more intense than mine, then I want to hear about it because it sounds interesting and could really help put mine in perspective. However, an insecure person would not because they think that your experience means you are "better" than them on the undisclosed hierarchy. Since accepting that they are "less" than you is too threatening to their sense of self-worth (remember, they are so insecure that sharing a personal unemotional experience causes them distress), they attack you because you are "making them feel bad." It's really insecurity and projection.
  Personally, I find that this whole phenomenon is a highly ingrained mess that is too hard to unpack, and I end up feeling bad about myself in the end. So, I believe it's best to just maintain some distance from individuals like this. It's too exhausting having to constantly protect their self-worth from their own decision to perceive attempts at bonding as attacks. No one is at fault or anything. It's just not a good fit.
I saw this on Lemmy and it's so weirdly relatable
- omg I also saw this on lemmy! I really related to it
- Image of a screenshot of Lemmy of a screenshot of Twitter of a screenshot of Facebook...
Oh. I do this all the time especially when chatting to new people on the internet. If I do it and the chat goes cold, I'm wondering what have I done wrong.
It feels like I have a list of stories and anecdotes in my head to tell new friends and I'm just waiting for that trigger word or phrase to unleash my story.
Question: I don't know if this just me but sometimes when im talking and the other person interupts me, once I've let them finish, I'll purposely wait to see if they ask me to carry on. If they don't, I assume my story isn't interesting enough and feel a bit more boring.
- It feels like I have a list of stories and anecdotes in my head to tell new friends and I’m just waiting for that trigger word or phrase to unleash my story.
  I'm the same way. I have lists for everything!! The most used app on my phone is my list app. And to demonstrate that I do the same thing, your comment triggered the following response in my algorithm. I used to assume that social interactions and life in general was me having a flow chart of how to behave in every situation. If I find myself in a novel situation, I would consider the most relevant flow chart based on salient qualities, with safety and other people being happy/not upset as priorities. Apparently, and I might be completely wrong, that's not how allistics do it. They wonder what other people would do in novel situations, and pick the one they relate to the most.
  Question: I don’t know if this just me but sometimes when im talking and the other person interupts me, once I’ve let them finish, I’ll purposely wait to see if they ask me to carry on. If they don’t, I assume my story isn’t interesting enough and feel a bit more boring.
  I do the same thing! If this is an autistic thing, I would guess it's because we aren't good at telling if a person is interested using allistic cues like body language and tone. Instead, we come up with other methods, such as the content of their verbal communication, to see if they are interested. Interestingly, I've noticed that directly asking is not effective because people will lie and say they are to "be nice". So if I then go into my Ted Talk on whatever topic, they will get upset with me for believing their words and not the communication that occurred in the allistic dimension and I missed entirely.
  
  Re-reading this, and thanks for the reply, I've just realised my story must be boring if they interrupt me in the first place! 😁
I do exactly the same thing. I have managed sort of workaround…tell your story you feel the need to share and then as the person a question relevant to their story.
Person tells story.
Me too, here’s my experience, and what did you do next about your story?
Not perfect, but you get that need to share your connection your way out of the way, and then turn the attention back to them.
I rarely think about the fact it might look like I'm making the convo about ne but this is definitely true for me.
Damn. I remember realizing I do this often when I was young and feeling so guilty...
try active listening instead. therapists aren't supposed to sprinkle in self-disclosures but they still leave you feeling heard.
SOLER skills: sit squarely, open posture, lean in slightly, eye contact, react (mhm, nod)
if it makes you uncomfortable, good, it's supposed to be. relationships are scary. embrace discomfort, seek reward
- Absolutely this.
  Active listening is a skill.

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