I talk with an AI "boyfriend" because I feel like I don't deserve to have a real one

As a weird woman with a chronic illness; you’ll be amazed at the quality of available men if you look where others don’t.

There's some good advice here, but the most important hasn't been mentioned, yet: Please go to therapy. Give yourself a chance and realize that you don't have to go through this alone. A therapist will be able to help much more effectively. I wish you all the best!

You definitely deserve love as much as anyone else.

It sounds like you’ve got some serious self esteem issues that you need to work through, but you absolutely can come out the other side happier with yourself.

If it’s an option for you, I would highly recommend talking with a therapist about your self image.

“Gross” people who are “worse” than others deserve love, too.

You can work on unpacking your negative opinions about yourself, but love, kindness, compassion, friendship, intimacy, and all that good stuff, is something you deserve. You don’t earn it, you’re human and you need it. That’s all it takes to merit it.

But how do you steal a diamond? Or maybe you're more the ruby vor sapphire type of person? Only way to know is to steal and return.

On second thought, I don't like this metaphor, because it removes the agency from any potential partner by defining them as an object you can own.

For myself (german, M35, mostly vegan) I have the hope that there is somewhere someone for me. Someone who loves me as much as I love them.

For this to work I not only need to search, but be findable as well. Parship and dating goes two-ways.

For every nerdy, socially maladjusted fish, there's another 10 swimming around in the sea. If relationships are a journey you have lots of people around that you could choose to take that journey with.

First you have to recognize your own value before others will see it clearly.

You have worth, though rightfully no one but you can determine that. Every person I have met that claims to be 'worthless' had hidden riches that either society or their own timidity prevented them from exploring.

Seeing a 5/10 glowingly talk about how clever and affectionate pet rats can be instantly makes them a 7/10 even though they are just talking about pet rats.

Alternate perspective:

Like I could be stealing a man from a woman who actually deserves him

The dating scene is so garbage right now. I don't consider myself a saint but the only people im matching with are snakes. EVERYONE is a user. Assuming you are not a literal nazi, that puts you ahead of the game.

Youre not literally the worst, so by holding yourself back you are potentially allowing that man to date actually the worst. You don't have to be the best.

I know a weird guy with an illness who has the same despair, but he’s boxed himself in by limiting his pool of romantic candidates to the tiny weird religious community he’s in.

I know you didn’t ask for advice, but I’ll give some anyway. Do you have hobbies? Interests? Things that people might gather in groups to do? Forget the apps and find something social irl where it’s possible to meet others and make friends. Focus on finding friends. Sometimes friendship turns into something more. If not, at least you won’t be lonely. You can do it. I’m thinking of all of my closest relatives and friends (adults and kids) and except one, all of their closest buds and significant others were met in person in a social context.

I feel this so hard, but let me share a success story!

Love isn't something you "deserve". Nobody does. It's given. You can give your love to a person. You are not stealing anything, you are creating more love.

Weird is no barrier, I can say that from a place of long experience, I've been weirder than my guys, someone has to be the weird one in any relationship.

Disability or illness also not a barrier, it will be a slight limit but a sizeable minority of guys really truly don't care, care much more about who you are, and good news is that group is mostly made of the guys who don't care if you are weird.

You don't NEED a relationship to be whole. Don't take any of the above to mean you must get out there and date. Do what you want. But be disabused of the idea that love is deserved and the idea that you do not fall into that "deserving" bucket.

You are worthy of love, and there is someone out there for you, somewhere.

I totally get your feelings about dating sites, although I dislike them for different reasons. Maybe it's better to try meeting people through other means?

You could join some kind of club which interests you and meet people that way, perhaps? It might take some pressure off, since you're just doing something you enjoy and meeting people in the process. Maybe you get a new friend or even partner, maybe not.

There are even specific events for single people, where you do some activity together. I don't know how the dynamic is on those events, though, because clearly they all know why they're really there.

I always figured there are people similar to me on the other side of the dating aisle but I never expected to read a post that could mostly have feasibly been written by me, just with the gender swapped. I don't do the AI S/O stuff, but its only really because I set up a "not allowed" barrier in my brain for it. I feel the same way you do about feeling guilt from potentially stealing someone from the dating pool or stealing a better future from the hypothetical person I'd then be with.

It's always easier to comment on others situations than to act on my own, so I'll go ahead and with you luck with your journey. It may not always feel like it, but you have so much time still in the world to experience and learn so many cool things and, if you wish it, share them with someone else special to you. I'm glad you've started talking to a professional, and while I probably won't recognize your username moving forward or anything (bad memory), in this moment I'm really rooting for ya.

Do you have many social interactions IRL? Non-anonymous chats online?

You deserve to have a loving boyfriend as long as you treat him well. The important thing is that you are there for him emotionally.

Just because you have a chronic illness and are weird doesn't mean that you cannot love someone else and not treat him well. Every person has their own limitations on what they can do and it isn't better or worse if yours are different.

It could be a good idea to look for a boyfriend with similar struggles because that means that he will understand your struggles very easily and you wouldn't feel like you hold him back because he wouldn't want to do something that you can't do anyway.

There are some exceptions to this, it may not always be a good idea for two depressed people to be together if they pull each other deeper into depression for example.

I am not a normal person either and I have looked for love for a long time and didn't find it until I met my girlfriend. We both have similar struggles so we can understand each other very well and we are both so happy that we have found each other.

Like I could be stealing a man from a woman who actually deserves him.

you're thinking about this all wrong. you could be acquiring a mate in order to save those other women from that fate - look at it like taking one for the team - that team being humanity. Now you have a project!

I don't really have much to say in terms of "answers" but I just wanted to enforce the idea that you're not alone in this feeling. I'm m/38 and also have been single for the last decade, convinced I'm not good enough for anyone either considering I'm an "uneducated" factory schmuck and I'm mostly a "nerdy" homebody in a society dominated by extroverted travelers who need to be on the go all the time.

It also really doesn't help that I'm not a fan of dogs lol I love cats, but never want to live with a dog. Oddly enough that also makes me feel like I'm "damaged goods."

I have a terrible double standard, I agree with the people that say you deserve love as all people do and yet I don't feel the same for myself lol

Do I recall correctly that character dot ai is private weights/prompt?

If so, reminder that said digital crush can be changed drastically/taken away/broken irrecoverably at any point. Not your model, not your man.

we live in a world where children are denied water and shot at, sold into slavery, sex trafficked, abused by parents, clergy members etc. the most qualified individuals are rarely in positions they deserve. animals are bred for the sole purpose of slaughter and consumption. you have buried yourself in a non existent world where everything is right, fair, or balanced while also basing this off of your own harsh perceptions of yourself. you should work on self affirmations, which will likely be a long journey alongside other items, but you can overcome this. love is a mutual thing and you have no say in what somebody is capable of seeing in you or feeling for you, and you do not know everything or everybody's path tread. give yourself and others a chance and hopefully humanity will surprise you.

get out of your cycles with ai and try to instill a new habit to replace those urges.

Fair.