Coming Soon to a Mall near you

✋ Santa's horny

👉 Someone is horny for Santa

Type 6: Australian.

Santa Claus, where's my bike? IYKYK

somehow mariah carey managed a song with all five at once

There's also one about Christianity being a fairytale. That was part of the seasonal mix at a place I used to work. It always got complaints, but we didn't have a way to change it.

You missed "one of my relatives got killed in a hit and run by Santa Claus"

I think that falls into the "shnackered" category

I'm always a bit surprised about how western Christians place so much more importance on Christmas than Easter.
Only through resurrection on Easter does Jesus become so important (thus the Christ), without it he would have just been another prophet (though part of the trinity).

Also important to remember most of the traditions about it are pagan. Christ wasn't even born in December. They just decided to celebrate it then to coincide with the existing solstice traditions. Many places celebrated the solstice as a new beginning, the days were now getting longer, and people needed a pick-me-up in the dark season. It was often one of the biggest annual celebrations. So it was co-opted with one of the most obvious Christian signs matching the theme, Christ's birth being the beginning of the end of a time of darkness. First by giving a new meaning to Saturnalia, then adding more bits from other regions they were trying to convert.
I think it's important to realize that Christmas has lost a lot of it's religious connotation in the West. Don't get me wrong, everybody knows it's a Christian holiday meant to celebrate the birth of the Christ. However, there is no assumption that because you celebrate Christmas then you must be a Christian. That isn't the case for Easter. People who celebrate Easter in the West are typically Christian. This makes Christmas the more publicly celebrated holiday, which feeds back into it's own popularity.
I am not super familiar with eastern Christianity, so I could be wrong. It may be that Christmas has the same religious connotations in the East as the West. If that's the case, then disregard my previous point.
Here are some other perspectives:
Jesus was the Christ before he was resurrected. The resurrection is all good fun, but once Jesus was sent to earth, the whole train was set in motion and salvation became inevitable. The incarnation of a God bringing salvation is something to celebrate.
Historically speaking, I'm pretty sure Christmas is bigger just because it co-opted all the Saturnalia festivities as a concession to the pegans so that more of them would join Christianity. Saturnalia was all about partying and beating up Jews, so it was obviously immensely popular and helped Christianity grow much quicker than if they required the pegans to give up their festival. With all the Greek and Roman influence on the West, it shouldn't be too surprising that they treat Christmas in the same way - but hopefully with less ethnically charged violence.
Finally, it's easier to tell cute stories about a birth than an execution and subsequent resurrection. "Look at the cute little baby with the animals" vs "look at the immortal zombie man with holes in his body". This matters a lot in a hyper consumerist society.
- Not just Saturnalia, that was just the first. More was incorporated from various traditions as they sought to convert them. But yeah, that was sort of the foundation the rest was laid upon.
- Interesting points for sure. Though I did not mean celebrate as done commercially with Christmas but the religious importance of it.
  Orthodox Christianity is very much Roman, very much eastern Roman aka. Byzantine (arguably more so than Roman Catholics and much more than whatever Protestants are doing LOL) and Pascha (Easter) is the most important religious holiday there is.
  You prepare for it by fasting for 40 days (and I mean seriously, like not just "I won't eat candy or meat", but basically a vegan diet with some days even having restrictions on certain vegetable oils etc.) and then break the fasting (with the eggs, baked goods and whatever is traditional for your region that you brought to be blessed the day before) after partaking in night liturgy and most importantly a procession around your church.
  I grew up with the ex-soviet light variant of this (as in real fasting, but not the full on-night liturgy and we skipped a lot of the weekday liturgies and preparations during the Great Fast), but we did have Butter Week before the Great Fasting :)
  (Also I'm skipping a lot of details in this comment)
It's because Christmas is more consumerism friendly.
- But wouldn't that apply mostly to secular/agnostic/atheist people?
Jesus got presents, so we get presents. Imagine if he got healthcare. If only there was a part in the Bible about helping the less fortunate
- "Supply Side Jesus" has entered the chat
That's because most Christians are not very good Christians.
Christmas is a holiday to consumerism and that is what is important.
Yeah we should celebrate the return of the Easter Bunny more than Santa.
- LMAO
i think that's a pagan holdover. yule is more important than ostara
- Eastern Christianity has essentially the same pagan roots regarding those holidays, no?
You're surprised how much western Christians and culture values materialism? Really?
- I was thinking of actually believing and practising Christians, not cultural "Christians" or those just sticking around because of inertia.

I think in the category of "i want shit" is I want Santa's life

The penultimate holiday song would be about...

Praising Jesus for saving us from eternal death, but also asking for his return so we can have an age of debauchery full of alcohol fueled orgies with Santa. And it's snowing, I guess.

Jingle Bell Rock

I really wish Jesus was legit

If I could just let God take care of everything and be assured there's a plan and the plan leads me to eternal Paradise...

God what a way to live...

I've always said that I envied people who can just believe in a religion without immediately being disillusioned. I'm out here just rawdogging existential dread. Lol
- Right? Like people wonder why atheists are angry all the time. I have an answer because we are mortal because we are mortal.
  If anyone who believes they have an immortal soul suddenly realized they were mortal they'd be pissed too.
All I'm waiting for is one singular shred of evidence. Something explicit and undeniable.
You'd think that someone all powerful who could read my thoughts and intentions would understand that but apparently not...
- Meh, that’s the whole rub, though, you can’t have proof, it’s antithetical to faith. If you have proof then true faith is unattainable, and if you don’t have true faith then you’re not a true believer and thus you can’t be rewarded as one of the faithful. It’s a hell of a grift.
- Same man. I don't want to believe in physicalism but.... where's God. I would worship him if he showed himself. I'd lick his feet clean. Anything to be saved via spiritual immortality
  But first he has to be real
Well, that's not what Jesus taught though. Jesus taught that there's a plan and you need to work at it to fulfill your part of it.
That's pretty much the same thing every religion and most philosophies teach.
- I think that's only true if you use the word 'plan' incredibly loosely
- for the Reformed folks that believe in TULIP, salvation is through God's grace alone

Which category is You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch?

Horny
the song does incorporate critiques of materialism, so broadly "i want shit"
All of the above. Apotheosis.

"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" has entered the chat

A new one came out last year that will be added to my rotation from now on: Santa Claus is Amazon by Jesse Welles. It’s a short one but it makes me laugh and also a bit sad.
- https://youtu.be/3RTf19zlWxE
  I liked the '...trading elves for slaves...' line
Also, "Christmas at Ground Zero".
- I never heard that one before.
  Here's another witty song about mass death.
  https://youtu.be/TIoBrob3bjI?list=RDTIoBrob3bjI
  Tom Lehrer. "We Will All Go Together When We Go."
This falls under "I want shit" for people who hate their grandma.

It's almost September, so any day now the Christmas music should start!

Hardware stores started selling halloween stuff a month ago. Even my kids were confused
I've heard worse excuses to listen to Twisted Sister.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV-SpT69IZ8
Wow. Way to ruin my day. I wish we could go back to the previously agreed upon start date of the day after Thanksgiving to start with Christmas stuff.
- I need to make a list of hymns that are better for that period of the liturgical year to spam corporations with to create a bipartisan stand with the secular community against early initiation of Christmas. Even if you want to claim you're a cHrIsTiAn oRgAnIzAtIoN it's still inappropriate to begin Christmas festivities before advent.
I'm going to the front lines of the war on christmas... on the side of Halloween
In my book the only legitimate timeslot to start it is between the first sunday of advent and december the 6th and it must end by january the 6th otherwise you're liable to be dragged down into hell by the music demon or whatever
I’m going to go insane the first time I hear Christmas music while it’s 90 degrees out. Summer heat lasts here until like, October, so goodbye sanity!
- Look, snow!
34 more weekend days until Christmas!
Costco is already selling wrapping paper here
Get the gun.

I'm a school bus driver. Last Christmas a notice went up on the garage board stating that Christmas decorations on the buses were now banned. It was stated that some of the non-Christian parents in the district were objecting to the Jesus aspect of the holiday, although none of the drivers had done anything to their buses other than the standard secular stuff like Santa and the reindeer and presents and shit.

It eventually came out that it was only one parent, and that the bus driver culprit was me - because I had asked my kids to stop singing the same two Christmas songs that they knew and asked them to instead learn "The Little Drummer Boy" which is like the only Christmas song that I actually like. It was especially ironic because I'm a fucking atheist and I just happen to like the melody and structure of that song.

Every other parent in the district went batshit over the decoration ban and it was quickly rescinded, with our director of transportation and our superintendent playing a hilarious game of blaming the other for imposing the ban in the first place. Both have since been replaced.

Also Atheist, also think Little Drummer Boy is the best Christmas song. It's a lot more forlorn rather than all the "be happy and joyful" crap that gets crammed down your throat every year. My only problem with Little Drummer Boy is the number of people who sing it try to wank it up with stupid timings and long or hurried phrases. Just sing it at an even pace and it's good!
Damn... Can't believe you oppressed Christmas like that.... 😓 Jesus will be very sad 😠
- Par rumpa pum pum motherfucker!
Wow, that's absolutely terrible. And Little Drummer Boy is a fantastic song with a good message (give from the heart) regardless of your religious beliefs.

You missed reindeers

That falls under the "Santa's horny" category

There's also that one about how stinky Batman is.

you got to admit the last one has certain kick

If Christians really wanted no man to experience eternal death we would have way less problems in the world

"stop wanting shit" and "muh memories 😭😭😭" are also genres

As the least religious person, I still find the last type to be the least annoying.

For real, I'm down to listen to some Amy Grant any time

None of them fit All i want for christmas - Maria Carey.

Unless you count her as Santa being horny. I wouldn't.

I would put that under "I want shit"
- Yeah, i think i brainfarted hard. Somehow wanting "someone" didn't compute as wanting "something".
- You're shit

A Punk Rock Christmas is always one I listen to. Seriously, who the fuck forgets the pepperoni?

What flavor is the eternal death?

Bitter. Only way left to get it is to refuse to let yourself be forgiven, while simultaneously refusing to acknowlege that for which you could be condemned. The two halves of that sentence are two sides of the same coin, and refusing to go quietly into the night, alone, does not keep death at bay.
- So, spicy chicken?
Allegedly tastes like ham, but reports are sketchy
Ironically, cake.