2 wk. ago • 97%

What are some humorous items I could sneak onto my partner's running shopping list?

62 comments

While not very humorous, some of the most useful permanent items on our shared shopping list include “That spice that ran out” and “That thing I was looking for the other day”. They’ve saved the day a few times over ten or so years.

57
- This is so stupid and completely genius at the same time. It would absolutely work for me.
  
  22
1 flux capacitor
2 positrons
1 hug
1 thingamajig
3 liters of blinker fluid
one simple manual excavator
1 mol of oxygen
1 µg of unobtanium
1 grimoir for casting spells
1 ring to rule them all
50 melons for grade school math problem

52
- 50 melons for grade school math problem
  
  Actually I think I'm gonna start with:
  
  "(10x-0.5)/2 snickers bars, where x is how much of my snickers you ate, you asshole."
  
  23
  
  I charge a husband tax too. 10% of her snacks are mine.
  
  4
- "1 hug" is a regular addition to my fiancé's list when she asks me if there's anything I need. It's a great addition because then I get my hug!
  
  12
- 1 quark (no pairs please)
  
  11
  
  top or bottom? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  
  7
  
  Here you go
  
  4
  
  Just really want some symmetry violation and new physics. It's getting stale in here.
  
  3
  
  or InDesign substitute
  
  1
  
  greed is eternal
  
  1
- *mol
  
  3
- Yummy! 😋
  
  2
1 left sock

And much further down the list

1 right sock

40
- That's a delicious idea.
  
  One might even say its sockulent
  
  10
fertilizer
gas
nails
cable
egg timer
pressure cooker
sunglasses
wig

And your partner will be soon on a list too.

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- very important: you need POTASSIUM fertilizer
  
  3
I honestly pop in ‘yo butt’ into our shared shopping list and it usually gets an eye roll.

17
Male: condoms, canteloupe, watermelon, Vaseline Female:condoms, squash, cucumber, carrots,

14
- As an aside, do not use Vaseline with condoms. In addition to it not being body safe for internal use, some condoms are still latex and vaseline will dissolve them. Most condoms these days are nitrile, but again see above re: internal insertion safety.
  
  24
- I feel like this only works if those are the only items on the list. If you also have apples, berries, potatoes, onions, shampoo and toothpaste, it's just a normal shopping list.
  
  7
- Only men are stretchy enough to fit melons up their ass, and women have to stick with more mundane phallic vegetables?
  
  4
  
  Hope this is sarcastic, if not you make a hole in the melon.
  
  1
Deez nuts

Edit: Which I recently found is a real brand of nuts. Dee's Nutz, I believe. So be careful or you may just end up with some unexpected, delicious peanuts to snack on.

14
Amazing present for insert your own name here

13
Duck tape, shovel, condom

12
- I'd add a couple of things to that list:
  
  Duct tape
  
  Rope
  
  Burlap bag
  
  Shovel
  
  Condom
  
  13
  
  What about dog biscuits as well?
  
  5
I occasionally put "magic beans" on there :-)

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- classic
  
  4
- NO magic beans!
  
  1
  
  I don't know why people are downvoting you on your anti magic bean stance, historically they've not been a good gamble with ones money :P
  
  But this time will be different, I get a good feeling from this guy! Not only is he not out to scam me by giving me dud magic beans, but he's given me a bunch of extra packets that I can sell to my friends too, and all he asks is a tiny portion of the profits.
  
  So now I'm gonna have a magic bean stalk and some semi passive income, all from hosting just one Bean party a month at my place!
  
  3
Po-

Tay-

Toes

11
- Happy Cakeday! 🍰🎂
  
  2
  
  Thank you. It's my first. 😊
  
  2
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Potoooooooo
  
  2
My partner does this already. The number of times I've found "tush squish" is... I've lost track.

I got him back by adding chicken hats to his online cart.

10
1000 bottles of baby oil

9
- Sean?
  
  4
Fancy Napkins!

8
- Not Wet!
  
  2
live bees

7
Peace of mind

7
Obviously a partridge in a pear tree.

6
Everyone! Please keep commenting! I'm getting some great ideas here!

4
porno magazines
large box of condoms
a bottle of Old Harper
panty shields
illegal fireworks
disposable enema

4
~~Staple gun~~

Band-aids

4
300kg of Plutonium

2
Kefir

2
- Please explain how you think that's humorous
  
  2
  
  seems like it would be hard to track down to me but idk
  
  2
This should be its own form of joke, like the Aristocrats. Come up with the wierdest most depraved shopping list(s)

2
Pet supplies for animals you don't have. Things that don't exist but sound like things you might find at a grocery store, like pot slippers from the kitchen utensils, vegan mangos, aged vermhölsterdoif cheese, or barkley salt. Rare spices the stores your partner shops at do not sell. I get a kick out of being macabre so long pork, stray child. Ingredients your partner hates. Confusing typos.

2
- Vanilla flavoured bananas.
  
  Peppered mandarins.
  
  Pickled macaroni.
  
  2
  
  you're giving them ideas! it's going to fruity pebbles Mac and cheese
  
  2
- so long pork, stray child
  
  lolwut
  
  1
One: breastplate stretcher.

1
Kefer

1

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