Long Island's Sand Filled Condom

Extremely passionate niche communities about seemingly mundane things are my absolute favorite thing about the internet.

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The only thing I actually miss about reddit is the neverbrokeabone subreddit. A whole community dedicated to trash talking weak-boned bitches was just hilarious to me.

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- I've never broken a bone. When I remember that I become acutely aware of how fragile my bones and everything else about my body is for a while.
  
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- Isn't breaking bones a rare thing? Wouldn't much more people fall into the never broke a bone category than those who did?
  
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Have you seen Ian's Shoelace Site? It's serious business. And actually useful.

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- That's so weird I taught myself how to tie my shoes in the "Ian knot" when I was like 12 to seem special and I had no idea it was a whole site.
  
  For anyone out there who doesn't know it already, learn the Ian knot. Life saver
  
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- Oh wow, that's the website where I learned to tie my shoelaces about 20 years ago. My shoelaces kept coming undone and I finally went to look for a solution online. Turns out I've been using a granny knot all my life until then.
  
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- I saw that on somethingawful ages ago!
  
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This was the internet before Facebook.

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- Anybody else remember bad-candy.com? It was just one guy reviewing terrible candies, like Swedish salty licorice and circus peanuts. I miss the old internet.
  
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There was this fantastic list on chocolate bars and taste per dollar for each. Sadly it's buried by SEO listicles and I've never been able to find it again

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I have a feeling it was their favorite apple because it was good for making booze, pies and sauce, not eating raw.

Granny Smith is similar in that role nowadays.

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Granny Smith is the only apple I will eat. Fight me.

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- Granny Smiths rise up! 💪
  
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- Granny Smith eaters probably drink black coffee, rye whiskey neat and punch kittens.
  
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- Gala for me
  
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Granny Smiths are pretty damn delicious though. Probably my favorite "normal" variety to eat uncooked. Great snap and sourness!

Red Delicious, on the other hand...

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- I don't think I can even find Red Delicious in the stores any more. The new varieties have really taken it's mealy blandness away.
  
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- Im guessing you're under 30 years old?
  
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What's wrong with Granny Smiths? Crisp, slightly sweet, tart. What's not to love?

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- Who doesn't love chomping down own a tart juicy granny?
  
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But Prime Rouge/Akane is still the best. Though it doesn't hold long.

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From lower down on that site's page dedicated to the sand-filled condom:

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Fuji Apple:

Yet another demon spawn of the Red Delicious (crossed with a Ralls Janet) this gravelly choking hazard named after Fujisaki City, Japan is a J-Pop Star of an apple fit with a ravenous fanbase that many Americans will find difficult to understand. Personally, it is beyond comprehension how this super-hard medieval weapon masquerading as a fruit could become the most popular apple in Japan (and a top 5 apple worldwide). Aside from a semi-sweet initial bite, this mushy, rough-skinned, experiment gone awry is a baffling oddity with a sword-like stem so sharp it will – quite literally – stab other apples in transit. Despite this, the Fuji fandom is real, uncompromising, and dedicated. A Fuji is not for everyone but, if it’s for you, it just may be your favorite apple.

Oooh! Ooh! Why i oughta! Oohhh! Mmmmmhh! (hops around, angrily)

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What?! Difficult to find at peak ripeness, sure, bit fujis are top tier crisp, sweet, and big

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Lol this site is gold. Even for the good apples, the descriptions are wild.

Most would expect this clown-urine soaked frog testicle to taste like an unhealed surgical wound since each bite resembles a freshly picked scab. However, most (whoever they are) should prepare their expectations to be shattered.

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Storing well through the winter, its flesh is dense, tough, and chewy like an embalmed cadaver (which quickly devolves into mush like a regular cadaver).

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This is my favorite one so far- https://applerankings.com/green-dragon-apple-review/

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As a long islander I can say long island also happens to be NYs sand filled condom as a whole.

We're a bunch of sandy crotch entitled assholes lol

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Staten Island is what then? Aside from really racist.

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- The unwashed ball sack, of course.
  
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Isn't that apple a cider apple? It wasn't meant to be eaten.

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Just like a sand-filled condom. Nice warning label.

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That's pretty much what the review says essentially

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I make them into apple sauce and use that to make my apple butter. It's the best apple butter I've made to date.

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I will accept any opinions on apples so long as it includes:

S Rank - Pink Lady, Granny Smith
F Rank - Red Delicious

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I'm old enough to remember when Red Delicious were the bomb. They really fucked them up by heavily breeding them for a tough skin for travel. They were so popular in the 80's they bred them to shit.

They didn't deserve this future.

I miss my Red Delicious.

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- Oh, holy crow! I wasn't just wearing rose tinted glasses, they actually do suck now?! I can remember Red Delicious apples in the 90's that'd make you wanna slap your grandma.
  
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- The "best for" entry for Red Delicious on the site is "compost."
  
  It's about right.
  
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If you put granny Smith apples as S tier we have nothing to discuss, granny smiths are dogshit.

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- Granny Smith apples are amazing for purposes other than just eating an apple by itself.
  
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- As are pink lady. Absolute trash
  
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Norway has some apple varieties that are even better than Pink Lady and Granny Smith (Summerred, Gravenstein, Aroma and Discovery are the bomb).

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- Good fish, cheese AND apples? Norway has a good thing going.
  
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- Gravenstein makes DELICIOUS apple sauce! I have bought a case from a local farm two years in a row.
  
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So you know little about apples and are also under 30 years of age?

Pink Ladies are B/A tier (not as shelf stable as many newer breeds and lack the intensity of a jazz, snapdragon, or cosmic crisp)

Red Delicious WERE S tier but breeding in the 80s for a larger more aesthetically pleasing apple deprived it if the bands of green and red that "marred" the surface. Those genes that made those colors contributed the apple flavor. If you can find an old cultivar of Red Delicious you'll understand why the variety was called that.

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- Making me miss the red delicious tree that grew by my house growing up. They were my favorite apples back in the day but the ones at the grocery store disappoint.
  
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Apple Rankings is one of the few remaining gems of the internet.

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Yall motherfuckers sleeping on honeycrisp

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Cosmic crisp and Evercrisp are vastly superior to Honeycrisp. Cosmic Crisps are the better version of the honeycrisp largely because you can only grow them in WA right now.

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- I live in shit heap Texas. I will eat my honeycrisp and dream of these wonderful apples.
  
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- You’re right about Evercrisp. I had one from an amish market last year and I couldn’t believe what I was eating.
  
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Sshhh, don't tell. They'll eat them.

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- They're already creeping up on $3 an apple. Secrets out lol
  
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Missing my two favorites: Gravenstein and Ingrid Marie. Great eating apples, a bit of the tart side with just slight sweetness.

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Where my Braeburn boys at?

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Right here. Best apple, woefully underrepresented.

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Newtown Pippin, now there is a name I have not heard in a very long time.

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I didn't know this site existed and just checked it out. Amazing.

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Its the only apple in apple hell.

Never heard of this apple but I need to know what crime this apple commits.

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Also orangepippin.com

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poetry

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no need to explain supply and demand to me again

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For some reason I kept imagining sending this post back in time to Benjamin Franklin and how he would react

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I'm sorry but apples are just garbage fruit. People always come back with "but have you tried honeycrisp?" to which I always ask - have you tried literally any tropical fruit?

The best apple in the world is just dull compared to a mango, papaya, passion fruit, pineapple, lychee, mangosteen...

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I like the crispness of apples. Sure mango and pineapple are delicious, but I want to bite into a nice crispy apple. It's a texture thing, not just taste.

Also mangoes have to be imported from far away for me, so they're never fresh or properly ripe.

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- I lived in the subtropics for a while so had access to fairly fresh tropical fruit. I'm in the PNW now though. Lotta apple fans, lotta fresh apples.
  
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Someone has never had a ripe apple off the tree. Go apple picking and eat them at the farm. You will be eating them as fast as you can.

Although these "rankings" are pretty nuts. Empire and Cortland apples are pretty good, especially when fresh. And he's missing cool varieties like "Winter Banana", which has a light tropical taste. I'd tell you to try that one but you may not live where you can get them.

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- I live in the PNW, we have plenty fresh apples. I went fruit picking a lot as kid in Australia too, had apples then. Fresh apple off a tree is just not as nice as fresh tropical fruit of any kind.
  
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Tropical fruit tastes like candy, almost a sickly sweetness.

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Reported

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I'll take a Granny Smith over a Mango any day. Give me that crisp tartness instead of the mushy sticky sweet mess.

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- Someone has cavity-free teeth...
  
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The only thing you've listed that's edible is pineapple.

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- Hey, don't you talk shit about mangos, buddy
  
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