ill be at your house in 10 minutes. how will you entertain me?

that's not enough warning time and I didn't get the message, so you'll be entertaining yourself watching the dogs in the window as I ignore the doorbell

Boring standard screen-based stuff. I could dig out a board game if you really want, I guess.

Maybe you'll like my dog?

well im currently naked.

Ask you to help carry my old stove out to the curb and see if you want to troubleshooot some wiring

What happened? Is it the wiring in the wall, I assume not the stove because you didn't say to troubleshoot the wiring before the curb
- Swapping gas stove for induction. It was a bit delayed because they screwed up capping the gas line, so new install on new circuit. I plugged it in and nothing happened.
  It could be as simple as the breaker is off or there’s some sort of power button on the new stove. I got as far as plugging it in and nothing lit up, then already ran out of time. If it’s something that simple, we get to the beer sooner

I will leave you in suspense on if I will open the door.

By calling 911.

Show you a gladiator fight, then ask you "are you not entertained?"

Wanna rip bongs and watch me play Final Fantasy Tactics?

We can play boardgames and Magic: The Gathering, if you don't know how to play it I will happily teach you.

There's shit to do here, but theres a pretty cool waterfall like 10 minutes down the road. Longer if we see a cow and stop to rub its face.

Minotaur

oh shit you live in house of leaves
- Shall I give you a tour of my hallway?

I'm not at my place right now. If you come to my friend's place where we're at, you can have a donut and maybe pet the cat.

I mean I might still be jacking off so that'll probably do it

I have a cat that refuses to shut up. Ask him anything, he will scream at you. He will only stop if you ask him about Israel. Sometimes.

I will show you my cat. After, I'll show pics of my cat. I have some boardgames, if we start to play, the cat will come so we pet him.

You have a choice. We can watch Ninja Turtles, read Ninja Turtles, or play Ninja Turtles.

Born in the early 80’s no doubt.

I do not live somewhere people can easily just stop by, particularly if they are not invited. No friend of mine would come here without checking first. Even my family would call or text first.

Uninvited guests are met with an armed response from a polite but firm home-owner. How it plays put from there is going to depend how you behave when I inform you visitors are not welcome. Yes, I am also fun at parties.

i only announced the 10 minutes to add to the challenge of breaking into your house. i am already entertained watching you check the obvious spots with your remote cameras and drones.
i however, am your subconscious and ive been here the whole time. you ready to remember your most embarrassing moments as you fall asleep?

Noir movies and mst3k. Although I did get the supernintendo working recently

Get in loser, I'm teaching you to selfhost

So basically, this..?
- I kind of did this to a friend of mine. We both got some 18 year old laptops that still run on x86 and we wanted to install Linux on them (arch specifically). We met at my place, and I started with trying to get it work. He meanwhile realised he needed something so I gave him my key and hopped into a skirt while he was away. When he returned I just turned ti him, made a "gun" with my fingers and said "I lied to you, I dont have Netflix. Take of your shoes, we are installing 32 bit Arch". Funniest shit of my life.
- May I visit you?
Honestly. I’d be down for this kind of evening.
I'll pick up some cherry coke and red vines. Show me your mgmtConfig code.

Almost everyone in this thread is a terrible host, Jesus Christ.

Sorry, OP.

I'll be naked when you get here. I think I have a strip of bacon left and can make some more French Toast.

Cooking bacon in the nude is indeed entertaining.
- I've heard it can end poorly.

I can teach you how to swing a sword

can i wear the suit of armor?

We're BBQing! I've got a couple of nice tritips and some some sausages from the local butcher, freshly harvested corn from a local farm, and I'll make some garlic bread. I've got a few beers from my favorite local brewery, an unopened bottle of eagle rare 10 year, and can break out a couple of nice cigars if you're in to that.

The temperature on my back patio is a nice, comfortable 77f with low humidity and just enough of a breeze.

damn if this just a casual visit. what is christmas like at your place?

You can watch me practice and fuck up the same riff for 3 hours straight if you want

What riff?
- Right now I'm trying to learn Downfall by Children of Bodom
I would watch you if I wasn't looking down at my hands, playing the harmony riff.
- Hell yeah come over! I have lots of cool pointy guitars

I'm home now, but if someone is going to give me a 10 minute warning, I won't be when they get here.

haha yes! a scavenger hunt. ill look for clues of your whereabouts in your house. you cant hide forever!

I'm pretending to not be at home.

amateur, I'm just not home
- wow youre good at pretending. you almost had me, but i can hear you gigglin under the window.

Gotchu Bro/Sister:

Wife's already got Fellowship of the Ring Extended (of COURSE) ultraHD in the player.

I'll pop us some popcorn, and gladly point out all the fun trivia, like how when Aragorn kicks the helmet in Two Towers it was so legit because the actor ACTUALLY BROKE HIS TOE.

Why did I mention Two Towers when Fellowship is in the player? Heh. . .you didn't think we were stopping after Fellowship, did you?

The doors are already locked and planned bathroom / snack retrieval breaks are posted on the wall.

an escape room! Are you guys in costume too?

I have two gaming PCs, a Nintendo Switch, PS5, and a Steam Deck. If gaming is not your thing, I am a coffee snob, so I can entertain you with my coffee brewing gear or we can dial in different roasts together.

If even coffee is not your thing, I am also a hobbyist woodworker, so maybe we can build something together.

If all else fails, you can play with my dog, relax in one of my 3 hammocks, mess with my cats, we can go ultralight backpacking, you can play the piano, we can make scented candles or soaps, or I can teach you programming. I also have lots of books!

Welcome to my ADHD life!

marry me
Are you me?
Except I hate coffee. But am great at brewing/shots by smell. And my partner loves it, so I'm turning our espresso machine into a Gaggimate.
- Damn! You are doing a Gaggiamate mod without liking coffee? Crazy
Exact same answer, except no hammocks, candles, soap or PS5 but I might have some weed.
- You gotta get hammocks. They are the best thinking, introspecting, and problem solving mediums.

I'll show you how to install Archlinux

We can play lego LOTR on my PC I have 2 controllers.

You can hang out in the back yard and hand-feed our 100+ pound giant sulcata tortoise. She'll come "running" if she sees you have treats (e.g. lettuce).

You can keep the puppy busy outside so she doesn't have to worry about "forgetting" and doing that inside (puppies are trouble).

You can fish off the dock or swim in the pool. At night, I can setup the projection screen and we can watch some old movie out back and roast marshmallows at the fire pit.

Or you can just hang out with me in my garage/office and lose endless amounts of time watching the 3D printer print something (as is tradition with 3D printing!).

Also have a rather large robot to play with and an awesome HTPC setup and wifi 7 with 2 gig Internet. Actually, forget all that other stuff; 2 gig Internet is living the dream! 🤣

Bro, party at your house. It literally sounds like the perfect site for a Gathering of the Lemmys.
- Also that's the only way we're saturating that 2Gb bandwidth LOL.
- There are dozens of us! Dozens!
Dude can I come over?
Let me come over please man. I beg of you
Thread's over. You win.

Why should I entertain you?

sense of community. friendship. the challenge. im santa, its christmas,you been bad but ill swing you some premo shit if you make me smile.
thanks for making me entertain myself with my own mind. teach a man to fish. thank you

You're free to look at my door from the outside.

This is the correct answer 😂
can i touch it?
- I really can't give consent in someone else's stead.

id try to suck your dick immediately

Quick! He's wearing two pairs of pants, what do you do?!
- suck his pants off
- Did anyone else read this in Dennis Hopper's voice from Speed?
OK, I'm interested, but will you swallow?
- yea

I can cook you something fun while you steal the love of my animals and use my UV light to make my phosphorescent and flourescent minerals look fancy.

Can I come, too? I'll gladly help with cooking

I will play Van Halen's Jump on my synth for you

Your premise falsely assumes I'll even let you in when you show up uninvited.

No, it doesn't. He WILL BE at your house in (now less than) 10 minutes. You only presume you will have a choice. Best to get over the denial ASAP and make a plan.
- We are effectively playing real life tower defence.

You said 10 minutes. Give me back that 1 second.

youll get it back..... IN HELL! EN-GARDE ⚔️

GHB and masturbation

Can it be violent masturbation???

That depends. Are you male or female?

I send you up to the roof. You help the roofers there. Nothing beats some honest work with your hands.

wow, im gonna tell this story for the next month. who knew THATS how shingles are attached.
- There's hot shingles in your area! They're just waiting for you to attach.
  Do it on the roof! Doctors hate it!

Have you heard about our lord and saviour Jesus Christ?

ah the endless discussion of biblical semantics. good thing i brought doritos.

cry at you because I had a dream where I was social and like attached to people and felt like I belonged for once but I was dragged away from them by my family and was really upset but they just turned out to just be dream people. and the whole scenario was made up and I never belonged with anybody

the estrogen is giving me the emotions I asked for when I started and I don't like it
Ooooh, let's learn to lucid dream.

You can watch me play Hades if you want.

ill sing the harmony! 🎶Farewell to all your earthly remains.

I have an induction forge and an induction smelting crucible. That's literally endless entertainment, until my arms get tired.

i'm gonna infect you with covid stay away

oh, you wanna play modern tag! hides behind the curtain, feet still clearly visible.

Board games.

can we play scrab-le(pronounced scableigh)?
its where you make words up and they are only valid if you can explain their meaning.
- That’s Balderdash.

Open door. Spritz you with honey and throw a handful of glitter to mark you. Then tell you to: "Get lost, no strangers at this party."

If I've been marked, I'm no longer a stranger. Thank you for including me.
Ooh, the tar and craft herpes treatment. That's some never forgive action right there.

You can play a puzzle game. Lets call it break n enter cause I'm not opening the door.

I show up in a disguise dressed as your mum. " I brought you your favorite food!"

Cheap ramen and splitscreen minecraft bro

Laser pointer

I have many boardgames and snacks. Bring it on.

Hope ya like weed

That's... why I'm here

We can totally play some board games, or if you play an instrument we could jam. House is even fairly clean, I'm ready and waiting.

You can go clean some dishes?

hell yeah! ill smash em out of celebration after like a greek wedding.

You’re gonna help me clean this place up for a bit, then we can chill afterwards. I don’t know what interests you, but I’m never bored at home so I think we’ll find something to do.

are you never bored because looks around you are an elite hoarder?

Coffee and conversation, like normal people?

finally! love playing pretend as normal people. let me start. "how bout that weather eh?"
- Well, if we’re being meteorologically precise, the “weather” as you experience it at this exact moment is really the culmination of a vast number of interacting variables that are constantly shifting on scales ranging from the microscale—say, the turbulent eddies you might feel swirling around the corner of a building—all the way up to the synoptic scale, which refers to the continental-sized weather systems driven by upper-level dynamics in the troposphere.
  At present, the dominant feature influencing local conditions is the interaction between a semi-stationary frontal boundary, which is essentially a transition zone between differing air masses, and the associated baroclinic zone, where horizontal temperature gradients are maximized. This boundary tends to act as a focus for mesoscale convective development, though in your immediate vicinity, that energy seems to be manifesting more in stratiform cloud decks rather than organized convection. The dew point depression values are modest, suggesting that the boundary layer is near saturation, which is why relative humidity feels elevated. Surface observations corroborate this, showing low to moderate cloud cover with occasional breaks depending on diurnal heating and radiative flux.
  Meanwhile, if we look aloft at the 500-millibar geopotential height field, we see a weak trough propagating eastward, embedded within a larger quasi-zonal flow pattern. This induces some subtle upward vertical velocity fields via positive vorticity advection, which, if you were inclined to notice, could explain the patchy mid-level cloudiness overhead. At the surface, barometric pressure is trending slightly downward, but not at a rate that would imply rapid cyclogenesis—rather, it’s consistent with the passage of a weak synoptic-scale disturbance.
  In short, the weather right now could be described in lay terms as “a little cloudy with some humidity,” but really what you’re feeling is the local manifestation of vast thermodynamic and dynamic processes—everything from latent heat release in distant convective systems to planetary wave modulation in the upper atmosphere. In other words, it’s all very ordinary, but also astonishingly complex when you stop to unpack it.
  Did I normal right?
  (No, I did not write all that. I used devil robots.)
- it's "how 'bout them Mets"

You can have a cup of tea, I'll put on a Beethoven record, and then you can untangle and sort all the stuff in my big box full of old cables, chargers, components, and adapters. If you find a micro usb cable you can have a cookie.

finds a usb to usbc that does power and data transfer. wonders if its worth at least a brownie

I'm dragging you into some obscure retro arcade kusoge. Waku Waku 7, Twinkle Star Sprites, Soldam, Land Maker, Gyakuten Puzzle Bancho.

Damn, how big is this house?

Pshhh.. I kinda live in the middle of nowhere, so I dunno.. wanna go try to catch some grass snakes by the swamp?

bro for real though. absolutely yes.
- I honestly haven't tried catching any snakes since I was a kid :3
  Used to be fun to scare classmates with them tho

Play with my kid. I'll be in bed.

Hi, kids! Do you like violence?
- Whatever, just keep it down, ok?

I'm at the airport. Feed the cat and water the plants, okay? Pizza place is downstairs and over a bit.

You have a pizza place in your basement, aaand a bowling alley?

wanna smash? I mean smash bros haha jk... unless?

Smash and then Smash Bros.... and then smash.

I’ll whip you up a pizza. Got dough and sauce in the fridge. What toppings would you like?

Pineapple. Just pineapple.
- GET OUT!

hope you like leather and plugs.

I'm going to work

But you can help yourself to my gaming PC.

Give me your Steam account so I can use Steam Link to your PC.
- ill hook up family sharing for you.

I have all kinds of fun things to do, just come and see. We can play dress-up.

A few days later....

It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.

I got 3 cats of varying degrees of playfulness. Go nuts

Slow blinking intensifies

I will hunt you.

He says, whilst currently being hunted.

We'd go to the pub down the street and have a good evening

can I come 🥺
- The more the merrier!

Jokes on you even if I leave now. I'll be at home in 20 mins.

So they've got 10 minutes to loot the place
- If they get past the traps.

You can either join me in sitting around a small fire and discussing rc stuff, star trek, guns, and how functionally unregulated capitalism is destroying the planet, or you can keep moving.

I hope you'll join me, I'm making breakfast. Eggs, potatoes, bacon, biscuits, and pancakes if you're okay with some mildly overcooked spots.

This sounds like a great time. Billionaires are cancer on society and are squeezing out the middleclass
roasts marshmallow over the flame.* hey, this gives me an idea.

First day back at work after two weeks off, so…. you can walk my dog? He’s pretty bored

yeah buddy! i knew i bought poop bags for a reason.

If you play guitar, bass, or piano/keyboard, we're having a jam session. Otherwise, board games! Flashpoint is a cool one, it's easy to pick up and it's cooperative

i do infact. what do you play? im down to jam.
- Blues and rock are my comfort zones, and I can happily get along with most genres of jazz and metal that aren't ultra-technical. I can do some passable funk
  Guitar is what I'm best at, I'm decent on bass, and I'm complete dogshit on keyboard but working to change that situation. I technically also own a little reed flute that I bought from a whittler at a winter solstice festival that I know how to play the Shrek theme and Darude's Sandstorm on

Well, the cat just left something in the litter box, so you get first dibs on cleaning that.

Then, uh, tea? You want tea? Or whiskey? Look, your options are: tea, whiskey, water, wine, and coffee. Pick up to 4. Same cup, that's cool, you do you.

Then I'll bake a tiny cake and we can watch 90's music videos and play Nintendo until our eyes bleed.

🎶 Black hole sun once you come and wash away the raaaaain.

Well, I just made guacamole, so I'll feed you that with nachos and fire up some old movies with old music -- big bands, jitterbugging and stuff like that. In particular, I wanna show you the 1933 short "That's the Spirit" with young band leader Nobel Sissel.

just watched 39 steps last night. woulda gone great with nachoes

No

playin hard ball eh. i like it. thank you for lettin me try and crack you as entertainment.

You can pet the cats who aren't hiding and then we can play some foosball and Goldeneye 64 in the basement

Ahh excellent, lots to go out in the garden today and my wife hurt her foot so she can’t help. We’ll get you started by moving these stone pavers. After you finish, it’s time to start filling in some new garden beds with soil.

Beer on the deck and we can throw the Frisbee for my dogs.

I won't; I'm going to bed. Shoulda been here 4 hours ago 🤷‍♂️

I'll entertain myself by throwing pebbles at your window until you open up and then I'll sing you a love song out on the street, while New Yorkers, tell me to shut up from their window

I'm speedrunning Dragons Lair on the NES and I'll let you watch but otherwise I'm mostly going to ignore your existence.

can i have the unplugged 2nd controller and feel like im part of it ?
- I'll let you have the first controller so my suffering can stop.

We can play put the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again!

You mean put the lotion on the hose only initially and then just use the the natural lubricants of life
an escape room! incredible

I have Stepmania.

oh hell yeah. your house def had that aura from the outside.

Contemporary dance obviously

I'm a terrible host. Enjoy!

Oh, the lying game. " i'm not coming to your house anyway." hehehe
- No lie, I'm a terrible host.

We'll go out into garden and pull up some chairs. I can get a fire going but you might need to hose off the fox shit from the various surfaces. Do you know storm drain fishing is?

I don't, but I'm open to it.
- noice

I'm not there so help yourself to whatever you want from the fridge and the N64 is ready to go on the big TV.

I can offer a selection of board games and music of assorted genres on vinyl. If you're lucky, I can conjure some food.

Oh shit, are you a genie? I wish for a thousand wishes.
- Granted. Your selection has now been reduced to a list of a thousand very specific wishes. Any wish not on the list will be deducted from your remaining wishes without further effect.

It's morning here, you can have some coffee & I made raspberry muffins and sourdough bread so toast and/or a wee muffin. The cats are up waiting for breakfast so you can also gaze at them with wonder & admiration.

ill give them all the slow blinks

I'd say putting 5 random CDs into my RCA thing, but that doesn't work, so that's out of the question.

Next best thing I could do would either be offering a variety of multiplayer games to play, either on retro console like xbox360 ( assuming my brother has a working controller ) or the singular multiplayer title I have on Dreamcast ( Chu Chu Rocket ), cracking open my DVD collection to watch something like maybe seasons 1-2 of Angry Beavers or something else I have, or just seeing what multiplayer games I have on PC.

Otherwise, I don't have much. I'm not big on just chatting, so that would be out of the question.

i could go for some xbox360 multiplayer. lets splitscreen halo 3!
- Closest I got is Gears of War 2. I thought I had the first one, but I can't find it anywhere if I do.

Wanna smoke some weed and play SNES?

you mean like....again. was just doin that at my place. yes though

I'll make you watch Season 1 of DARK. You'll also get popcorn, crisps and wine.

honestly you guys are cool as hell on lemmy. ill bring brownies

By yelling at you for showing up while my partner is still asleep

Takes off my mask. i was your partner this whole time.
" then whos sleeping in my bed."
takes off partners' mask, sleeping in the bedroom. It was me, the mysterious stranger, the whole time.

Watching Star Wars

This could either be epic or a veeeery long night
- We'll be doing a rewatch of Ep7-9 followed by a lengthy discussion on why Hayden Christensen was the best Anakin and where Lucas went wrong making Ep4-6

Minecraft server.

It's a surprise, but I'll give you a hint:

50% of the time, it works every time!

Give a phone charger and go back to bed.

I won't, I have work to do.

nice. house to myself.