What's the hardest lesson you've learned?

Hard work does not always lead to success. Most of the time, it just leads to more work.

71

To be precise: Fast work leads to more work.

8
- More like nonsmooth work leads to more work.
  
  Smooth is fast
  
  6
- Indeed, haste makes waste
  
  3

Don't trust any corporation. They will change their values when their stock goes down.

64

But we're a family! They told me!

6

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard

You can do everything right and still lose, still face heart break, and still face setbacks.

57

To this day, that is one of my favorite fictional quotes of all time. It's something that for years every now and again I have to remind myself of, since our modern world focuses so extremely on success in all ways at all costs.

It's kinda scary actually...

7
"Not everything is a lesson Ryan, sometimes you just fail."

2

Permanently Deleted

41

Bad relationships are like bad cars, after you have spent so much time trying to fix it you don’t want to “waste” all that effort.

Sunk cost

17
Can happen to anyone. Bad luck. Good for you in moving on.

2

conflict-avoidance often leads to lying, and lying will lead to greater conflict. The truth will set you free.

34

HR doesn't work for you and is never on your side. They exist to cover your employer's ass.

33

I think everyone has to experience this one. Going to hr because someone was an unbelievable ass and watching her sweep it under the rug and convincing you to keep it quiet to make the company happy

10
Learnt this years in advance. They care about fellating their boss' feelings, not yours.

2

Sometimes you don't get a chance to say what you wish you had.

33

Reminds me of a quote from a Reddit comment years ago:

"Sometimes we lack the strength to communicate, and we whisper what we need to shout."

15
- Yeah, that hits in the feels too. In my case there have been two big ones. I wish I would've told the girl that got away that I just got jealous and it was my fault I pushed her away...that I forgave her or more realistically that she did nothing wrong. I was young and dumb. The other was what I didn't say to my stepson, that I wasn't ever going to try to be the "new sheriff in town" and that life is hard and he was fine just the way he was. Maybe that yesterday's painful lessons become tomorrow's triumphs. He was an angsty, antisocial teen and I always figured he'd be cooler towards me when he grew up a bit. He killed himself, so growing up never happened.
  
  11

Don't stick your dick into crazy.

23

This........

When crazy calls, don't answer

4
- Should have taken your own advice.
  
  1

That there is no silver bullet, no quick fix, no "Eureka" moments that happen without work. "Progress" is less an exciting event, more a rhythm made by the repeated struggling against entropy; when you're doing it well, you'll come to hardly notice its beat until one day you look around and everything's different.

You'd think that recognising this progress might be motivating, but it's often demoralising because it demonstrates how unglamorous the work of self-improvement is. You hardly get time to enjoy your achievements, because as you grow, you become aware of how much more there is to do; the burdens on one's time and energy tend to expand as our personal capacities do, so even if one makes incredible progress it can feel like you haven't moved at all — in both your "before" and "after" snapshots, it can feel like you're still barely staying afloat in life, even if objectively, you have massively improved your coping skills.

And the worst part of it all is knowing that it's okay to be feeling like this. You're tired because it's a lot of work, and you're demoralised because the work doesn't end. You're not the only one who has the stake in your life and your wellbeing, and as you grow, this will be underscored by a greater sense of duty towards the systems and people that depend on you; When I was young and very depressed, I stayed alive for my family and I resented the fact that they cared about me because it bound me to life. (Un)fortunately(?), over the years, my attempts to stick around to avoid hurting the people I care about has led to a bunch more people being invested in my wellbeing and I ended up loving those people too. How privileged I am to have such wonderful people in my life, who give me hope for the world and embolden me to keep fighting. And yet, I resent these people too. I have to allow myself that, at least a little bit, otherwise I'd collapse under the pressure of a duty to a world so much larger than I am. The worst part of it all is that I wouldn't have it any other way.

So here I am, still plodding along, despite everything, hoping to make my existence a tiny little monument to resistance, as I stubbornly push back against all-consuming entropic decay. I know that in the grand scheme of things, nothing I, as an individual, does will matter, nor will it last, but I don't care. Well, I do care — the enormity of it threatens to swallow me whole — but I don't care that I care, because what difference does it make? The hardest lesson I've learned is that everyone feels this way, to an extent, and I'm nothing special. In that truth is terror, but also the comfort of solidarity. I may be scared and exhausted, but I know I'm not alone in this. For better or for worse, my life isn't just for me.

23

Be prepared to be able to rely on nobody while knowing how to fend off against everyone.

21

I know this one. Thanks for sharing.

2

You can't just pretend that you're "driven by logic" and ignore your "weak" emotions forever. If the foundations upon which you build your personality are rotten, there will be point where it all comes crashing down. Until that moment you just waste time pretending to be someone you aren't.

21

This is something commonly misunderstood as:

Logic = correct = good

Emotion = irrational = bad

In truth your emotions are trying to tell you something. You certainly shouldn't be acting completely on emotion. But you do need to learn to interpret what your emotions are telling you and what that means, because there is critical information there that you would ignore at your peril.

11
- Exactly. I think it's easy for autistic people like me to fall into this mindset. When I was younger I was quite disillusioned with the world, mostly because I didn't fully fit in. Feeling like I was in some way better, because I was driven by logic instead of emotion, was probably a defense mechanism or something. In truth it was not that I didn't have emotions, I just wasn't able to listen to them. Luckily I never really got into the far right "facts don't care about your feelings" bullshit.
  
  2

You don't have to forgive everything.

17

Don't argue with idiots!

As Mark Twain said:

"Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."

16

I agree with the principle, but not in the same way.

It feels good to portray another person as an "idiot" or obviously wrong. Feels superior and legitimate.

The lesson for me has been: people are allowed to have their own thoughts and opinions, no matter how ill-informed I think they are. It is going to be just as difficult to force them to believe my opinion, as it would be for me to believe their position. So shouting "facts" and "logic" doesn't work at all. If you can get over branding someone an idiot you might be able to listen to why they actually believe such misguided information, but this would take non-judgemental questioning.

So I agree: stop arguing with people.

You cannot make people change their minds in a single sitting. You should aim to be less closed minded than they are. Stop thinking of others as "idiots" to begin with.

If you're really interested in diving into this, here's the first of a 3 part series talking about how to have difficult conversations with people who see the world differently, how to have better debates about contentious issues, and how to ethically and scientifically persuade one another about things that matter – in short, this is a three-part series about How Minds Change.

https://youarenotsosmart.com/2023/03/06/yanss-254-how-to-have-productive-conversations-in-a-polarized-political-environment/

(I'm not affiliated with the podcast or this guy's books.....I just listen to a lot of cognitive science podcasts)

5

Interpret 'hardest' however suits you

I'll just scope it down to yesterday. I intentionally short-circuited a 36v battery to see if the battery is still functional or not because my multimeter is out of power. I did this intentionally or otherwise usually in 12v environment to either test out quickly if the wire is connected, or when i accidentally shorted the terminal. The spark are weak on 12v so no big deal with 36v right?

It's the brightest spark i've ever witnessed in a semi-controlled environment, second to welding spark, and it leave a blind spot in my vision for about 10 second. The terminal melted a bit, and the wire bit that touched the terminal disintegrated. Also almost start a house fire with that.

Note to self: wait until you get your equipment in working condition before you work with electric.

15

So ,you would short a car battery to see if it's working??

1
- Only on an old car to test if the stray wire connected to positive or not, or on a disconnected battery to see if the battery is strong enough for bench testing something, or to demonstrate what happen if you touch two jumper cable together while it connected to the battery.
  
  1

To keep my mouth shut more than it's open.

Still working on that one, actually.

14

That's a hard one. I too know from experience and am still working on it.

1

That I’m safe now.

Although that implies I’ve successfully learned it, hah. PTSD is a bitch.

13

DO NOT actively try to help anyone who is not sincerely asking for help

A small amount of selfishness is necessary for a healthy life

13

Know when to ask for help. You can’t always hold the world on your shoulders.

13

Nothing matters, but neither does that fact.

Growing up in a population with lots of spirituality, it felt like a requirement to have some higher meaning to your life. And me deciding one-by-one that I didn't believe in the spiritual stuff, it felt like I was missing that higher meaning.

What I didn't realize for too long, is that if I don't believe in the spiritual stuff, then I necessarily also don't believe that the spiritual people have a higher meaning to their life. And that it's not a requirement. A regular meaning or even no meaning is just as fine.

12

Nothing you do matters, so the only thing that matters is what you do

9
Life having no meaning or purpose can be scary. Living in an artificial bubble of pretend is scarier.

While I'm sure there are many genuinely religious or spiritual people, the vast majority just mindlessly follow what they have been told.

4

No one's worth my wellbeing. My happiness comes first. Be self suficient for my own happiness. Nobody's special.

10

If your happiness comes first then it is because you are special. Which means that everybody is special.

Now at that time King Pasenadi of Kosala was upstairs in the royal longhouse together with Queen Mallikā.

Then the king said to the queen, “Mallikā, is there anyone more dear to you than yourself?”

“No, great king, there isn’t. But is there anyone more dear to you than yourself?”

“For me also, Mallikā, there’s no-one.”

Then King Pasenadi of Kosala came downstairs from the stilt longhouse, went to the Buddha, bowed, sat down to one side, and told him what had happened.

Then, understanding this matter, on that occasion the Buddha recited this verse:

“Having explored every quarter with the mind, one finds no-one dearer than oneself. Likewise for others, each holds themselves dear; so one who cares for their own welfare would harm no other.”

https://suttacentral.net/sn3.8/en/sujato?lang=en&layout=plain&reference=none&notes=asterisk&highlight=false&script=latin

3
- If your happiness comes first then it is because you are special.
  
  I was going to write that, but left it out to not sound pretentious. Because I had no self love, I used to consider people who I loved special, but they ended up being incredible mean and detrimental to me. Even Christian Divine figures have disappointed me. So I learned the hard way the only special being to me should be myself.
  
  3

Just about everything wrong in my life is my fault.

10

Society sucks.

There are some great benefits, but it just feels like it's doing more harm than good.

9

Humans seem to aim more to oppress each other and make the world worse for their descendants than the opposite, overall.

4

Intentional change happens through years of dedicated work and organization. Very few people accidentally improve themselves overnight. Even fewer wake up to discover they've improved society.

9

To elaborate on this one: Sudden change (for the better) happens, but it's extremely rare. It's happened twice for me, and I think those are outliers. Usually, progress is slow and tedious, and you don't notice it while it's happening. Only in retrospect does the change become truly visible.

The people living in the Renaissance didn't feel that change was happening around them.

2

Trust no one. Not fully at least.

9

Learned that the hard way. Within less than a week went from happily living in the house that I had grown up in, that I was renting from my father and that I was planning to eventually buy or inherit to having to look for an apartment because he sold it. The worst thing? That he never gave me a reason or even acknowledged how much he had hurt me. Quite the opposite, he later asked me to help the new owners set up their tv as if it was nothing.

7
Got it. I am no one, and I don't trust myself.

3
That's sad but true

2

Keep business and family separate.

9

Being alone doesn't always make you lonely, and loneliness doesn't always mean you're alone. The feeling of loneliness derives from feelings of helplessness or hopelessness.

Counterintuitively, some people make you feel lonely. Abusive people, even if close to you, will often make you feel lonely. Apathetic people can also make you feel lonely.

I'm not sure if this will be a revelation to everyone but it was to me.

8

Surround yourself with people you want to be like.

8

Be patient with a baby/child and not getting frustration.. They may not always do what you want and it's important to understand that it's not on purpose, they don't know any better (literally).

7

If you have to force it, you're going to break it.

Sidenote: rectal fistulas are awful.

5

Understand that people will come and go in your life. For better or for worse.

Just because you've known somebody most of your life don't assume you know anything about them. They can surprise you, for better or for worse. And for my experience it's generally for the worse.

People change and sometimes it's best to just let go.

4

You can't argue with crazy. In fact, if you're that desperate for crazy to validate reality for you, you have deeper problems.

Oh also if you help a family member who's threatening to kill themselves, they're just gonna threaten that every time they need $5.

4

As the government gradually erodes away our rights, at least we still have the right to wipe our asses with pinecones.

4

Psh. Who uses pinecones? I use the three shell system.

5
- We don't use the three seashells anymore, not since the incident...
  
  4
- Do I wanna know?
  
  1

If you had a chance to get laid as a teen DO IT. Or you'll regret it, especially if you never get the chance as an adult.

3

Hot take: sex isn't that important.

11
- It is. Is literally what put us in this fucking land. And it's easier to say that if you at least had it.
  
  2
In the grand scheme of things you’ll realize sex is not a big deal. Not sure how old you are but I’d guess 20’s. Give it another 15 and you’ll realize what’s truly important. Meaningful relationships.

7
- No. I'm way older
  
  1
I'm willing to bet that there are millions of teen parents who would have a different view of this. The problem is that teens often don't have access to birth control, or are manipulated, or plain stupid because their brains haven't finished developing yet.

I'm sure that some people would have regrets about not getting laid as teens. But it's hardly a hard and fast rule.

4
- No offense to the guy, but looking at his post history, I don't think if this is thoroughly tested advice....
  
  3
- I'm the living proof
  
  -2

Alcohol is a poison.

3

We're all going to die.

2

Weapons are a human right, completely independent of anything about rebellions or keeping the government in check.

Individually, if you prevent a person from carrying a weapon when they’re in a dangerous situation, it’s like locking them into a cage with a hungry tiger in it.

It’s perfectly natural for a person to be able to reach out and pick up a weapon. To block someone from this takes active effort.

And if that person is in a dangerous situation, and you make that effort to prevent them from being armed, you’re actively violating their rights.

-3

I'm taking the other comment about not arguing with stupid people.

5
I'd say I am a prime target for random violence but I wouldn't want weapons to be legalized here.

5
- Does being a prime target for random violence mean you've experienced random violence?
  
  2

What about Tiananmen Square…?!? That was kinda cool for the CCP!

I wasn’t there but maybe someone here was.

Oh wait.

No.

They were all killed and then turned to mush by tanks repeatedly driving over the bodies and then hosed dune the drains.

GLORY TO THE CCP AND HOW WONDERFUL THEY ARE TO ALL THE PEOPLE.

-3