Anon has nerdy hobbies

I just want to talk at the fellas here. Man to man.

If you do this shit, the women will leave and not come back. I know the incels are going to think that's typical female behavior, and I'm here to say, no, it's not. It's typical for someone, of any gender, to want to exit a situation where they feel vulnerable, and that's what is happening.

Think of it like this: you end up in prison, and your naked, alone, you have no allies or friends, while taking a shower with about 100 other dudes, and Bubba comes over with a grin saying "you're awful pretty". How would you feel? I'm guessing you would want to nope the hell out of there and never take a shower with Bubba in the room, ever again. And that's natural. You were in danger, you want to avoid that danger. While the circumstances might be different for the women you're interacting with, that raw emotion, the exact same one you would have felt with Bubba talking about how pretty you are, the feeling that gave you, it's exactly the same.

Now think, after Bubba made such a statement, what could Bubba do to win your trust to shower next to them again at all? Probably not much. Same deal fellas. There's little to nothing you can do or say to make them feel comfortable being around you when you've done something that inspires that unsafe feeling of danger.

Now, how could Bubba avoid the situation of you feeling like you're in danger and wanting to get out of there. A reassurance? Like Bubba instead saying "don't worry, I'll protect you".... You're going to wonder "from what?" Because until Bubba spoke up, you had no feeling of danger. How does that make you feel? Well, I would feel like there's danger that Bubba knows about that I don't, so now I'm on edge, looking for what Bubba is talking about, and all of a sudden, I'm having the same feeling of danger, just this time from an unknown assailant. That's not good either. I'd still want to gtfo and not go back. Worse now since I don't know what the danger actually is. Not only would I not want to shower with Bubba nearby like in the previous scenario, but now I don't want to be left alone with anyone.

Same deal fellas. By trying to reassure the lady, you imply that there's danger indirectly; she gets creeped out and leaves to not come back.

So, what's the right thing to do here?

It's easier than you think. Treat them like you would any of your male friends. Treat them like a person. You don't need to reassure your male friends that you'll protect them, nor do you feel the need to defend them when their "honor" is challenged. Let them handle it, but have their back if they need you.... and only if they need you.

Be a friend first, and if something happens that makes your relationship with that person, more than just friends, so much the better. Don't expect it, women aren't slot machines, where you put in enough tokens of niceness and eventually you win the sex jackpot. It doesn't work that way. It never has, and it never will. You can't force someone to like you, and if you try, you'll either take any attraction that they might have had for you, and destroy it, and/or simply cause them to feel unsafe and creeped out, and they'll find a way to exit and never return.

People, regardless of gender, just want to do things they enjoy. If you also enjoy those things, then engage in the enjoyment of those things with the other people who enjoy them. Don't make it about gender. If, beyond that, you both like eachother, you'll find a way to spend more time together and that's when things can grow to more than just being friendly, as long as you're both agreeable to it.

If you continually obsess over the fact that their anatomy is different, you'll end up filling whatever negative ideas you have about the other gender, and push yourself so deep into a hole of confirmation bias that you may never recover. Just be people. Treat others the same, as people.

I believe in you. You can do better. Always improving.

You will fall, you will be rejected, you will have set backs. And that's all normal. It's a part of learning. You got this.

22

Lemmy is the best social media platform out there, holy shit

7
- Good, that you finally realize. :p
  
  1
This is some nice advice but

Treat them like you would any of your male friends.

Don't do this. Understand that you wouldn't do this with any random guy either. As with any new acquaintances everyone is cautious in the beginning and women more so. Whether you find the new girl appealing or not all you have to do is cautiously get to know her through your interactions with her, like any other relations you may build with initial strangers and get used to their presence and predilections.

5
- You're telling me not to rip a wicked funny fart and sock her hard in the shoulder when she's too much of a panty waist to laugh? Pfsh.
  
  Some guys have no idea how to talk to chicks.
  
  4
Think of it like this: you end up in prison, and your naked, alone, you have no allies or friends, while taking a shower with about 100 other dudes, and Bubba comes over with a grin saying “you’re awful pretty”. How would you feel?

Erect?

4
- 5
Thank you for this. You are eloquently and (hopefully) non-threateningly (is that even a word?) stating a message that really, really needs to be said again and again until everyone friggin' gets it.

1
Trust is at its most basic a finite resource. Whenever a person messes up they recover by giving some of that trust away. Eventually that trust runs out. In rare cases you can regain some of it. However, in the vast majority of situations you'll never get back all that trust lost.

So spend wisely.

Or rather don't spend at all.

1
Imma be real with you. I ain't reading all that.

0
- You'd probably like TikTok.
  
  3
- I can summarize: It's an appeal to reason written from the perspective of a nice, caring, socially aware man called Bubba, who doesn't understand why women run from him when he approaches them in the shower.
  
  1
- Tldr?
  
  0
TIL - asking someone on a date is the equivalent of prison rape.

0
- If this is what you gleaned from reading all of that then yes, YOU asking someone on a date may be the equivalent of prison rape.
  
  1
- Bubba here.
  
  I'm a nice guy: I give some small, cute dude a compliment and he acts like a total bitch about it? I'm the "creep" because I jokingly asked him if he wants to come back to my cell? Oh, my comments make him uncomfortable? Give me a fuckin' break.
  
  Maybe if he doesn't want guys checking him out he should stop acting and dressing like such a slut.
  
  1
- It's the implication
  
  0
Meanwhile I just try to have normal conversation but they go for avoidance manuever right away.

-1
- It can often be how you go about it. If you just dive in and start talking to them, even if well intentioned and you literally do just want to talk to someone new about whatever, because of all those past experiences of guys only trying to do that to get with them, they'll see you as probably just another one of those creepos.
  
  It's a dance, and it's an annoying one at times for sure, and it takes practice. If you can recall the last time you tried to strike up a conversation, or next time it happens, afterwards, really stop and think about it from the other person's perspective. If you know a woman you trust, try asking her to go over the whole interaction with you.
  
  In college I was a major incel neckbeard loser and truly was the epitome of the green text above. I'm not proud of it. I took a chance and asked a few women I knew why I kept being single and lonely and if they could advise. They did exactly that for me. Took me through some of my interactions, explained where I went wrong, and helped me reframe my thoughts. I now am pretty much always able to strike up a conversation wherever I'm at.
  
  TL:DR - find someone you trust to walk you through the why. You got this
  
  2
Thanks Chat GPT-4, life is so much better since you came along!

-1
- This text is not from generative AI like GPT-4.
  
  How do I know?
  
  Its original, e.g. the part around bubba. And with original I do not mean the exact phrase but the idea of the simile.
  
  Is is not generic. A genAI always resorts to getting very generic the longer the text it is forced to generate is.
  
  I does not follow a usual structure. genAI resorts to following a language teachers paradigm. Introduction, main part, conclusion.
  
  and other minor signs.
  
  This is just a fellow human giving solid advice.
  
  2

This is why a lot of women keep our nerdy hobbies to ourselves and don't really talk about them much in public.

People get weird.

4

Really liked your work in The Baby

1
- It's spelled Barbie
  
  1
My wife plays FPS games and doesn't even speak because the moment she does, half the dudes feel like they need to show off and get her attention, and the other half get sexually frustrated and laser focus on only her.

1
- In counter strike it seems to manifest pretty quickly as misogyny.
  
  2
- I only play FPS in VR and the male/female interactions are weirdly wholesome. Literally never seen the behaviours that are sadly the norm in flatscreen gaming. I'm still not sure why this is the case, maybe the reporting system is just better, or it's something to do with feeling more present in VR.
  
  1
- There's no need to speak in online games anyway. I never use a mic or headset to play games like that, I still just use the chat. Voice chat always off.
  
  1

This is why all of my gaming groups just start with an orgy and get that out of the way right off the bat. Everyone gets everything. Sex communism solves all. (Major /s if not obvious)

3

How do I sign up comrade?

2
- "willing and able"
  
  3
Found the Greek!

1
Sex communism solves all.

Controlling the means of reproduction!

1
Wait, isn't this what session 0 is for? Getting all the tension out and working through your issues?

1

Yup, and no matter how the DM handles it, it's still a pain in the ass.

My table? That shit don't fly, but it's still going to mean some dude getting butt hurt and needing a firm talking to. Might go years without it happening, but I don't know a DM that hasn't run into it it once or twice with new groups or new players.

One of my long term players is a woman. She was a "girl" when she started with the core group, if you count 16 as a girl still.

She's a great player, and a good friend. The number of times I've had to tell guys to fuck off and not come back is absurd. Shouldn't even be once, though you'd expect teenagers to pull it. No, it was grown ass men. The last one, we were all 40ish in the core group, and the guy that pulled it was older than us. He was an acquaintance from where I used to work, and had always been chill with women. No bullshit, no problems. But he still couldn't get past the idea that she was there and obligated to give him a shot just because they shared a hobby.

2

No one on 4chan believed her because of rule 30 and because "they didn't know that you can play games in the kitchen". I can read the comments without the comments.

2

You know, it really makes it feel like those comments are particularly useless when, just by having used the website for a long enough time, you can imagine them simply by the scars they have branded onto your thinking goo. It becomes totally redundant at that point, totally useless, even worse than it having contributed nothing but empty space in the first place, it now occupies empty space in the brain. It's like old farts constantly remembering and bantering about ad jingles from their youth, it fills me with dread.

0
- The things I have seen.... 1000 yard stare
  
  1

I'm done with the bars and their drunks, and the apps with the spying, out of school, and don't date coworkers, the advice given to me every time I complain about the fact that there are no other "third places" to meet women romantically 100% of the time is "get a hobby." Well, see above. There is no place, women do not want to be talked to anywhere but the bar or apps which ime have been bad places to find long-term companionship.

Can we do something about this? Can we maybe start "bars" where the focus isn't alcohol but it is socially acceptable to say "hey I think you're cute wanna go get some damn coffee?"

2

I love tabletop gaming but unless it's a very large very active group that meets frequently, it's not a great choice for meeting people for dating purposes. (It is great for making friends, though).

Even when it is a large group, there are better choices, in my experience.

Better ways, IMHO: Volunteering, joining a large church, joining a coed sports league, or joining a large music ensemble (choirs in particular are great).

But you still need to use common sense. To meet available people, you need to go where the available people are. If you volunteer to deliver meals to the elderly, that's truly wonderful, but you probably won't meet the person of your dreams doing that.

1
- Volunteering maybe. Church is crazy, you want me to join a whole ass religion just to meet a woman and then what, pretend to be christian for the rest of my life?! I'd sooner go back to the drink! Sports I'm not really into, and everyone keeps saying "don't just do it to meet women" but like, that's exactly what I'd be doing. Idk maybe like ping pong or something but idt we have a local ping pong league near me, I'll look. Choirs are very churchy are they not? That'd be the same as either sports or church in either case, depending.
  
  Yes, "where are the people" is essentially my question. Some insist "literally everywhere, just do the thing and let em complain, fuck em" which seems to be the leading suggestion. Another dude said his area has singles hikes and shit so I'm gonna check that out too if my area does.
  
  1

Your best bet is to try and find groups with better ratios of guys to gals. These groups tend to self regulate and give the creeps the boot.

People play fantasy games to live out their fantasies. And for some sad people, their fantasy is to touch women because they act so repulsively no one wants to risk getting close to them.

2

I really wish this didn't have a giant kernel of truth to it. I've had to leave so many tables because such a large percentage of people insist on making it weird, that I largely have given up.

On more than one occasion, there has been a dude that intentionally played a lesbian character upon learning that I would be playing and not so subtly directed the million unnecessary sexual advances at me in an indirect manner.

Apart from that general incel style bullshit, there seems to always be a fucking white knight nice guy that refuses to see past my rl gender and acknowledge that I am playing something like a male half orc stereotypical barbarian.

D&D has been a huge passion of mine since the 2e days, and I really understand that it draws in people that tend to be socially inexperienced and/or impeded in some way (hell, I'm one of them), but at this point I am trying to play with 40+ year-old men that are fine in social situations outside of the game, but once the session starts they immediately get creepy.

I know this is long and ranting, but I think there are a lot of people that need to hear it. Even if the overall tone of the game is light-hearted and silly, you still need to be a fucking adult when interacting with other adults.

I know when you are pretending to look at your phone as an excuse to stare at my tits. Stop.

2

I would recommend learning how to play roll20 (free to play virtual table top) and finding a westmarches Discord server. I moved to an area where I have zero friends and got into playing dnd that way. It's pretty fun, flexible scheduling, out of game roleplaying whenever. I'm a 38 y/o cis male so I can't say there will be no issues, cus I never really experienced them at all. I'd totally imagine you'd have a different, and hopefully better, experience than irl games. Feel free to DM if you'd like more info.

1
- I second this. There are some really great Discord communities to play on that I'm part of. Generally, it's much easier to keep the creeps out by just banning them. It doesn't have to be a Westmarches server, but any TTRPG server with an actual community that runs game on the server itself, instead of just another LFG fishing pond.
  
  1
I know when you are pretending to look at your phone as an excuse to stare at my tits. Stop.

While this may be true, I brought a laptop on a game yesterday and I'm not sure the girl on the opposite side of the table didn't think something like that when my eyes were on top of the screen. Which was a lot of times, because naturally all the people are above the screen and only the keyboard and the table are below the screen.

So - please consider the fact that if there's a direct line of sight to your tits, and someone has to look in that general direction, they may occasionally from time to time look there. And also that due to, eh, basic uncontrollable instincts they may do that unconsciously a bit more than they need. Like looking at a bunch of pencils and noticing the red ones more than the grey ones.

Also when I talk to girls about my hobbies, they very often apparently perceive this as some nonsense to get romantic. Usually that means that they gradually ignore me more and more and refuse to believe that it's more complex. Though kinda recently (and long ago before that which led to a trauma, but eh) it was me who thought that they are fine with talking about hobbies, while being more romantic was expected, eventually led to being ignored too.

1
- At least in the adult world, I think most women can differentiate looking around the room/staring into space and staring at their tits.
  
  I assure you, they're the experts. 🤣
  
  1
... How the hell do you pretend to look at your phone but also look at tits... I need to know for... Reasons lol.

0

millions of years of evolution wiring our brains to make sex feel good so we don't accidentally kill off the human race by forgetting to do it

dumbasses want to play badminton or some shit instead

Well ok.

1

Aw :(

That sucks.

1

For real, I was just reading this and thinking: "Damn, that was totally me back in the day, those poor girls." 🙁

1

I always have to remind myself that I was introduced to and raised in nerddom from my godmother. Everything was through the lens of her curated tastes.

So when I hit puberty later in life all the deranged horniness suddenly clicked in me as MY problem since for me it wasn't normalized. Playing D&D and MMOs just didn't have that foundation, so I could compare.

Thanks godmother for keeping me somewhat normal. I've been often alienated from gamers due to my application of basic respect and sometimes just plain apathy towards women.

1

Just be fat, it worked for me.

1

Are you serious? It doesn't work that way where I am.

1
- Be fatter/s
  
  4

I have never seen this actually happen and I have a lot of experience with gaming with randos (I'm old and I also started a gaming club in college that had over 75 members with at least 15 of them being female). I've been playing MTG and D&D at local shops for decades now and I've never once seen other dudes simping or fighting over a girl at the table.

Not saying it can't happen, nerds are nerds and do often lack social skills. But from my experience (and from what I've heard from my female gamer friends), this has got to be a rare situation.

1

Find a group of mostly older/married people. It might not solve the problem, but it'll delay it enough that you can get a solid playtest of your latest build before things go to shit.

1

Hang out with more LGBT people. If I wanna get laid, I can turn on Growlr and have a dude deliver himself to my basement.

0

... So what you're saying is you're choosing the bear?

1
- He is the bear.
  
  1

huMON FEEEmaaale?!

0

Rules of acquisition number 30: There are no huMON feeeemales on the internet.

1

Guy chiming in. I use to go to small, monthly lan parties a lot. Every now and then a woman would show up and 4 or 5 of the average 10 total guys would make weird jokes about there being a female present. I don't think I ever saw the same woman twice.

0

a female

Men and females

2
- Read it again. This self-proclaimed man uses 'women' to describe some people, and also uses 'females' for how some other people describe them.
  
  1

My advice is to find a more diverse group. Married and LTR folks are typically less likely to engage in this behavior, especially if their partners are there too. Its tough when you're in your 20s because 20something guys are all trying to throw their 3 pointer despite the odds.

Either that or find an overtly lewd mixed-gender/mixed-sexuality group and embrace it. I played a very racy campaign in Uni that was a lot of fun. Everyone was onboard with what was going on though before it started and we knew it was going to get weird in a fun way. It was a fun way to also explore my own gender/sexuality in a safe no-contact fantasy way.

0

Some married women tend to assume you (unmarried somewhat attractive woman) want their man.

1
- Yeah usually the ones being unfaithful themselves are the most controlling and paranoid.
  
  1
- Man, there is just no winning is there?
  
  1

Would have been nice if more of the women in mmorpgs I played growing up were like that. Too many guilds were torn apart intentionally by women who damn well knew what they were doing and knew that at least one of your staff members was easy to twist around their fingers.

Edit: For anyone seething, women are people and they deserve respect like anyone else, but they are also people, and some of them are assholes.

0

Never thought I'd sign up for socials again but you're an angry little misogynistic shit who happens to be so close to the truth.

You're not being downvoted because you're wrong. You're being downvoted because you came into a thread about women's issues and detracted from it for your own grievances. You say you respect women? Prove it by shutting the fuck up and listening when they speak about their problems without having to make everyone about yourself. Learn from this and maybe you'll become a more likeable person and you'll find a woman that wants to get on your dick.

Don't bother responding. I said everything that needed to be said, you'll either get it or you won't.

-1

This is why men like men-only spaces.

0

And why "just find a group hobby to meet a girl" is such bullshit advice. I worry about making women feel uncomfortable when they're just out living their lives so the only place I have to actually reach out to anyone are the absolute atrocious hellholes that are online dating sites...

0
- Find a hobby used to be 'get out of the damned house and be sociable, you will find not being weird makes you more likely to socialise with women and gain dates." Even the neckbeardiest of nerds would find it worked.
  
  Then the 4-chan twats broke containement.
  
  1

Most women won't even accept a strange man into their activities. That's why you don't hear about this happening to men. Because unwanted sexual advances from women on men in women's friends circles definitely happen I can tell you from first hand experience. And women tend to be very insensitive to men's sexuality and not only encourage it but pressure you accept the advances because men "go for anything" so it shouldn't make a difference to you.

-1

I could never feel sexually attracted to a nerdy girl. They’re somehow even grosser than boys

-1

I’ll save her.

-1